[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]
[as Ivan] Damn it, Puck! This time you've gone too far!
What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?!
[as Ivan, crying and running off] Mommy!!
Servo[as Ivan/Yogi] I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket!
[as Nastenka] We have to register at Club Wed!
Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you!
[angrily] I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch!
Servo
Tonight on a very special Grizzly Adams.
[as Nastenka] Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear!
[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]
FMFather Mushroom
Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask...
Servo
[as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods?
FMFather Mushroom
...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else.
FMFather Mushroom
Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings.
FMFather Mushroom
You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice:
[as Father Mushroom] Shave!
[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]
FFairy
Foul is fair, and fair is foul...
Servo
[as sled] Oink, ma'am.
FFairy
Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. [throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]
Servo
She left it in drive.
FFairy
[calling out to Ivan, chuckling] Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me!
Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great!
[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]
CACrow [as Nastenka]
We spit on your doorstep!
Servo
Ptui!
MAMike [as her hectored father]
Please take me with you, please, please...
SAServo [as Nastenka]
Uh, what's your name again?
CACrow [as Ivan through a forced smile]
I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible.
[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]
Servo
[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
Universal, except for you, Ron.
You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Servo
Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.
[During the opening credits]
Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
Servo
If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Servo
Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Servo
Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
MAMike [as Sam]
Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
SAServo [as Sam]
My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
CACrow [as Sam]
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours--
MSMike, Servo
Ugh-- Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
MAMike [as Sam]
Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]
Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Servo
Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
MAMike [as Adam]
Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
. . .
SAServo [as Adam]
Meet me at the karate rink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
CACrow [as Adam]
Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
MAMike [as Student]
Gotta get into my judo bikini.
[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]
FMrs. Forrester
(panting) Oh, great! Just what I need!
[enters wearing nurse's outfit] Here I am!
FMrs. Forrester
Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)
FMrs. Forrester
...what's that smell?!
FMrs. Forrester
Mustard gas! Get the masks!
Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.
FMrs. Forrester
That's it, we're pulling out!
[Clanking sound is heard]
Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]
FMrs. Forrester
Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
[looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down]
[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]
Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
[ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
Servo
D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]
And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
[again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
Servo
So! Bombs away, Mike!
Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]
Servo
Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
[Mike reenters without the bomb]
Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]
[gets back up] Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
Servo
Think so...
And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!
[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]
SSpaceship
Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
SSpaceship
Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
SAServo [as TV Advert. announcer]
Veterans cannot be turned down!
. . .
CACrow [as Mickey]
That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!
[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]
SAServo [as Prince of Space]
Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
. . .
[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]
CACrow [as Prince of Space]
I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
