Scenes with Tom Servo 1,241
[As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.]
Uh, what about you, Servo?
ServoWell, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo
No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".
[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]
The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo
Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
MAMike [as zombie]
You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo
He's turning into a brisket.
It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
[On the music in the opening credits]
. . .
Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
Servo
[singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo
Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]
MAMike [as Singer]
First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
MCMike, Crow [as Chorus]
Schick out of shape!
Servo
Now, everybody--shave!
[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]
Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
HHarold
Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
SAServo [as Jerry]
I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point.
Servo
The "Feliz Navidad" dancers.
. . .
Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring?
Well, provocative in their boringness?
. . .
Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo
Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
There's something Laverne & Shirley-esque about this.
. . .
Servo
Riverdance: The strip show!
Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint.
. . .
So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright?
[as Carmelita performs]
Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen.
Servo
Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up?
Watch as she walks around.
You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts.
[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
SAServo [as Sun]
And you are…?
Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
MAMike [as Sun]
[beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Servo
Oh, the world's thrown into chaos -- earthquakes, floods -- but that's fine; you knit your sock.
. . .
MAMike [as Mafia don]
Some day you'll return the favor...
[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
Servo
Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.
[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Servo
She's got that healthy clown glow.
In that you look like Freddie Mercury.
[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]
RURandom Unknown Voice
Look who's here!
Servo
Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
. . .
[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
It's a three-pig open sleigh!
Servo
On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!
[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
Servo
It's…
It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
HFHunchback Fairy
My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Servo
Well, maybe you should have diversified more!
[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.]
Servo
It was her bucket full of Rogaine.
CACrow [as Ivan]
Am I un-bear-able?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
