[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]
CACrow [as Phantom]
Set whole fryers to stun!
The upper half of a Hopper painting.
SAServo [as Citizen]
Oh! A giant roast chicken!
CACrow [as Citizen]
It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
MAMike [as Citizen]
It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
SAServo [as Citizen]
Ohhhhh!
CACrow [as Phantom]
Potatoes or stuffing?!
[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]
Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
ServoSo, radiation has a sense of humor!
[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]
[They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo
Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.
[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]
EElaine
[whispering] I hear something.
SAServo [as Elaine]
[whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]
Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo
Modern architecture--efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....
[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
SAServo [as the Great Vorelli]
Then I'll be right back.
That he may die at any moment.
[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]
CACrow [as the Great Vorelli]
Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!
Tom Servo
[to Mike] Have you seen Crow?
Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing.
Servo
Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about...
Debbie, right; that's it.
[offscreen] Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! [punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]
Servo
[wincing] Oh, please, say that was a lamp!
Uh, it was probably just a lamp.
[crying] Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie!
Servo
He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in!
I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care!
Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie.
[sobbing] I don't care! Debbie! Let me go!
Servo
[also sobbing] My windoooowww!
[some time later]
Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful?
I think I like the Debbie one better.
[to the other robots] You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge.
[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show] Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards!
Servo
[as Vorelli] Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips!
[audience continues applauding] Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act!
[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]
[as Hugo] That sucked! Even I didn't believe I was talking!
[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]
Servo
[of Vorelli] A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face.
[to the volunteer] You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets.
The Manchurian Ventriloquist!
I want you to imagine you are in his place.
[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation] Should we really call this the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"?
AAll
[as crowd] Hooray; more!
[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]
[as Vorelli] Hey; pay attention!
[as crowd claps] Ha ha; we love your cruelty!
[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]
Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight?
Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing.
Simply that you are laughing while I am talking.
And what's wrong with that?
Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny.
Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then.
Tom Servo
[as Vorelli] Min-wax, Hugo?
[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine] Give me some wine. I want some wine.
[as Vorelli] Spodie-odie?
I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
[as Hugo] All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
[as the audience claps] The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
