Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas?

Joel

Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.

Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

Tom Servo

Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.

Tom Servo

Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.

Thank you.

You got a warrant, sheriff?

Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

The old man hired you?

I am not for hire.

We are all for hire. In dark times...

The dark times have gone.

Servo

You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!

Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.

Servo

We'll be the judge of that.

Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.

We're being followed!

Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!

Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!

Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.

Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]

Joel

Oh, ninjas never had those.

Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

You all right?

I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice...

Oh, he's a refrigerator.

And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril.

Joel

Kinda like a Corvair, huh?

In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete.

But first, this word from Maxwell House.

Joel

Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look.

Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"

[as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.

And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure.

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"

Servo

[in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay!

Well, that made no sense.

Tom Servo

[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~

C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it!

Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come.

Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers-

Servo

Joel, no!

This is Fu Manchu...

And I'm an alcoholic.

Joel

Hi Fu.

Tom Servo

(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)

Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!

Joel

Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.

Servo

(while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!

I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?

Joel

Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.

Servo

You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)

Better you than me!

Joel

Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!

(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?

What's wrong with that man?

Nothing at all!

There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition.

Servo

I'll say.

And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell.

Joel

Bong!

Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart?

But that man is not dead or dying!

He's only mostly dead!

... he will die, for the sake of science.

And for your sake also.

I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent.

Servo

I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!!

(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.

(angrily) Frank!

Gotcha!

I'm here. Are you?

Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.

I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]

You're a wry wit.

I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you.

Servo

Usually they run away screaming.