Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!

Servo

Yeah, calls for Satan.

View quote →

Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!

Servo

[excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?

[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]

View quote →

[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]

And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.

Servo

Kicks!

The glamour of the uniform...

Servo

Kicks!

The thrill of traveling for a band competition...

Servo

The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!

...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!

CACrow [as Buzz]

Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

View quote →

[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]

You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?

Servo

Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.

CACrow [as Buzz]

Forget music, I wanna dance!

View quote →

[Mr. B dances to some music.]

He's so perky... kill her.

Servo

See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

View quote →

[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]

Servo

Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.

This trumpet is flatlining!

View quote →

[Buzz is performing at a school dance]

JSJoel, Servo, Crow

[singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...

. . .

Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.

. . .

CACrow [as radio host]

Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...

. . .

[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]

It stinks!

View quote →

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]

...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.

SAServo [as Narrator]

Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

View quote →

[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]

Tommy reminds Jimmy--

Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!

--when Jimmy stands off-balance.

CACrow [as Narrator]

Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

JAJoel [as Jimmy]

Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Tom

Heh-heh... what?

View quote →

[A silohuette appears on screen]

Hey, it's Hitchcock!

Tom

Yeah, after Slim-Fast!

[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]

Appreciating Our Parents (short)

View quote →

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]

Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...

SAServo [as Narrator]

...in a prison break.

...and now, it's mended as good as new.

JAJoel [as Narrator]

Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

The Unearthly (movie)

View quote →

[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]

SSharon

Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?

CACrow [as Mark]

Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.

. . .

[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]

CACrow [as Conway]

I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!

SAServo [as Groucho]

I can't think of anything else!

S3 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

View quote →

[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]

KKimar

Now, go to sleep!

GGirmar

Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.

BBomar

I want to see more toys!

KKimar

No, go to sleep!

CACrow [as Girmar/Zadora]

Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?

SAServo [as Kimar/Riklis]

Why, sure!

View quote →

[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]

JAJoel [as Announcer]

Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.

Servo

[in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

S3 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

View quote →

Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song.

Joel Robinson

You wrote a Christmas song?

Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!

Tom Servo

Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House.

Servo

C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas?

Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay?

C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon.

All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot.

"Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?