Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Anything new to tell me?

[straining] Rosebud, was a sled.

I know something's happened to him.

Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that?

Oh, that's just a dead fa- a DEAD FATHER??? Oh nooo! [Sobbing]

Oh my God!

I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes!

This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off.

Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day.

Don't, Carol...

I can't help it, mother.

I know. I loved him too...

Sometimes, like the day he was sober...

I keep thinking that it was my fault...

Granted...

How could it be?

It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present...

Good point.

Now I've lost him...

You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.

Servo

Mom's all broken up...

Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother!

Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]

I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food.

Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater.

His... father's-? [sobs loudly]

Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"

Servo

Cool!

Mike, you're wanted on the phone.

And get my shirts from the laundry.

Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool!

Servo

... everywhere... oh Bert...

Mike

Hello?

Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet.

I lied.

Mike

You don't mean right now, do you?

If you can get away. Please Mike?

Mike

Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild.

Joel

Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon...

Please?

Mike

Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again.

Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there.

Mike

Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.

I'll be waiting.

Mike

I'll see you dad, I got a date now!

Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you?

Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?

Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust.

RRRRRAAAAAA!!!

I'm gonna lock them kids in there!

[chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep.

[chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME!

It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]

Servo

Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo!

Joel

Mammy! Mammy!

Hello? Hello?

Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over.

This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water.

This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur!

Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???....

Joel

Shhh, It's just a movie.

Servo

[in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you!

Joel

Any questions?

[watching Ross drag a bear cub forcibly out of a tree] Joel, do they really do this on Earth?

Servo

Isn't this wrong?

Joel

Yeah guys; I'm deeply ashamed of my race right now.

Servo

Deservedly so! [...] There's nothing like imposing your dominance over a bunch of helpless creatures, is there, Ross?

In the beginning, there was chaos...

Run by Bernie Kopell.

Oh, and then God showed up.

And a voice said, "Let there be light."

Joel

Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.

And the dark was separated from the light.

And permanent press was separated from cottons.

There was created, the waters and the land.

And Charlton Heston. ConTel.

And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.

Servo

Frogs.

Joel

Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.

[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.

They all look like Orphan Annie.

And then there came... man.

To screw the whole thing up!

Hey!

Well, what about Ross?

Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]

Why am I thinking about gas stations?

[Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die.

Servo

Oh, like Hollywood!

There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men.

[as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste!

...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place.

Joel

[as Blonde Maiden] He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to me.

If you break the Law again, the people will give you death!

Servo

[as Symbol Maker's Son] I prefer liberty.

[the monster's mask is lifted, revealing an old man] Whoa; he's looked better.

Servo

Beach Dickerson!

A man- a different kind of man. One came from the mountains and some were here.

Joel

He's been in the mountains for too long, dressed up in a goofy costume.

Servo

Wait; what's this? It's a vintage contemporary!

[as the pack looks through the photographs inside with confusion and awe] I have no memory of these [symbols] in my mind, and these were made in a way unknown to me.

Servo

Yeah; the photo map.

[stopping at a page regarding atomic warfare] Someday these must be known. It is a thing of wonder.

Yeah; I wonder when the film's gonna end.

I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.

Servo

Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson.

Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.

They became stock footage!

My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...

Servo

Cro-Magnon P.I.!

On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...

Joel

So you know it's okay.

[over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...

[as man] In fact, I'm dead!

Servo

Dead tired.

This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?

Servo

Doubtful.

Or will it be... THE END?

Joel

[singing] W is for the many ways that you're served

[singing] A is for the admiration you deserve

[singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

Servo

[singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none!

Joel

[singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

[singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

Tom

Triple time!

[singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love--

Send me up another please!

[singing] Oh, waffles we love--

Servo

Top mine off with runny cheese!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Chili waffles suit me fine!

[singing] Waffles we love--

Joel

Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

[singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu!

Servo

Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles.

[appears dressed in a waffle costume] No waffles?

Servo

Ah, who are you?

Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing?

Servo

Sure.

[suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad?

Joel

[as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have-

[as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles!

Joel

[as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles?

[as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise]