Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. [makes a cracking noise and laughs]
CCrow
I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing.
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
Scenes with Crow T. Robot 1,239
[singing] Leather coat...
...Dish of ice cream!
...duck-bill hair.
CCrow
[as café patron] Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here!
Call me wild...
...Oscar Wilde!
...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.
I'm gonna moon you!!
CCrow
[as Moony] Y'know, hang my butt out!
Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you!
Really?
And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could--
CCrow
Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy?
I can't decide.
CCrow
Can't decide? Well maybe this will help.
JMJohn Mapes
[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl] Look, Kate, I am a gentleman.
That I'll try.
CCrow
[disgusted] Oh, great; another oily unlikable character!
JMJohn Mapes
I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again!
So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.
It's Ms. Hathaway!
And if no gentleman, why then no arm?
JMJohn Mapes
A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books!
Ha-ha, what is your crest? [loops] A coxcomb? A coxcomb?
[alongside the loop] A Henry Miller.
[as Mapes shuts off the record] Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already.
[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]
You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...
CJCrow and Joel
Oh no!
CPCafe Patron
[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving] King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart.
CCrow
[as patron] My husband's very hip at home!
KIKing Invader
[short pause] I am bugged...!
God of facial hair!
KIKing Invader
...beyond recall!
[as Dr. Logan] I'm gonna snoop in a sock drawer. Heh-heh. [More boring filler as Dr. Logan examines the equipment. Joel and the bots doze off; Servo rests his head on Joel's shoulder, then Joel slumps left, leaving Servo snuggled in the crook of Joel's neck. Crow tilts to the right in his seat]
Dr. Logan did know where the giant was. [the three are startled awake and exclaim] In a store room in that very building. Logan had learned that massive doses of the antidote brought about an almost human appearance.
CCrow
[as Dr. Logan] I did not. Quit lying!
S4 Monster a Go-Go (movie)
View quote →
[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]
Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Oops.
CCrow
Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo!
Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand!
CCrow
Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up?
How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
That's better.
CCrow
It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
That's good.
No, it really is.
Whatever, Joel.
[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]
CCrow
It's Liza!
[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]
HELLRAISER!! NO!!!
[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
CACrow [as crowd]
We love it when he eats!
S4 Here Comes the Circus (short)
View quote →
[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]
SAServo [as Warren]
Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
JAJoel [as Warren]
Hmm? What in the world? Assault with a deadly weapon?!
CACrow [as Warren]
AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?!
JAJoel [as Warren]
What? He got a D in trigonometry?
SAServo [as Warren]
But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries.
CACrow [as Warren]
I'd fire him if he weren't my son.
[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]
JAJoel [as Warren]
Are you there, Lord?
SAServo [as Warren]
Hello, wall.
CACrow [as Warren]
Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it.
[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]
SAServo [as Warren]
That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car!
Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album.
CACrow [as Warren]
If I could read, I'd know what the problem is.
SAServo [as Warren]
Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two!
[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]'
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[[in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.
[singing] I'm hired
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired.
[singing] I hope I don't get fired.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired.
[singing] In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.
[singing] I got a job today.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired.
[singing] I'm selling Chevrolets.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired.
[singing] I'm bringing home good pay.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired.
[singing] I just got hired
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today.
[singing] Yeah, me!
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's selling Chevrolets.
[singing] We're gonna get awnings.
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He's bringing home good pay.
[singing] I'm hired
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] Maybe even dessert
[singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired!
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] He just got hired! HIRED!
[singing] I was wondering if you’d like to see my-
No!
[singing] But I really think you should see my-
No!
[singing] It’s got a lovely-
No!
[singing] And if only you would-
CCrow
No!
TCTom, Crow, Gypsy
[singing] Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!!
HHunter
[as he's strapped to an operating table] What are you doing to me?..
JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]
you're gonna be Myra Breckinridge.
VDr. Vornoff
You will soon be as big as giant,
CCrow
But it's not covered by his insurance.
VDr. Vornoff
with the strength of twenty men,
JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]
Give or take a few.
VDr. Vornoff
Or--
SAServo [ as Dr.Vornoff]
--Not.
VDr. Vornoff
Like all the others; dead.
[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]
CACrow [ as Dr.Vornoff]
Oops!
[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]
JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]
Well, so much for the giant theory.
JJanet
[As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.] DICK!
CCrow
[as Janet] Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong.
[As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away]
CCrow
You are my wife!
[high-pitched voice] Goodbye, City Life!
More Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters
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Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.