Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

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[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]

Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.

CCrow

Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?

. . .

Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.

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[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]

CACrow [as The Master]

What was I thinking?

JAJoel [as Announcer]

Women who lunch.

SAServo [as Announcer]

And the Manos who love them -- next Donahue.

. . .

You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.

...and now, back to We Married Manos!

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[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]

CCrow

Well, the talks broke down at this point.

Looks like the Russian Parliament.

JAJoel [as Announcer]

Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!

CCrow

Designing Women, the lost episodes.

SAServo [as Prof. Canning]

And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.

CCrow

I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!

. . .

You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!

. . .

You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.

. . .

CCrow

It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.

. . .

I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

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[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]

[singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…

CACrow [as Bela Lugosi]

Come here.

The new Pope has not been chosen.

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[During a driving scene]

Meanwhile, in Toledo...

No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?

. . .

CCrow

This must be a weekly series.

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[As the end credits roll...]

CCrow

Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!

Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.

Where to start?

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[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]

CCrow

The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!

No. Always wonder.

[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]

COME ON!

[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]

Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!

We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

[They leave the theater.]

S4 Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)

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NNarrator

Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em.

CCrow

Hey, kids, you ever read The Ox-Bow Incident?

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[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]

CCrow

[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float] And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from-

-The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life?

GGypsy

[as the parade Grand Marshall] It is balloon!

S4 Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)

And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen.

CCrow

I think you mean helium.

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[Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]

[singing] Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have.

CCrow

[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl] I wanted to hoerl after I read the screenplay. [Servo makes fake retching noises]

S4 Manhunt in Space (movie)

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[the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]

AAtlasan

If that is what you wish, your Highness...

QCQueen Cleolanta

No; it is what I command.

CCrow

And we know what weight that carries.

S4 Manhunt in Space (movie)

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[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]

CCrow

Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever!

[as Winky] I think she likes me!

S4 Manhunt in Space (movie)

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[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]

Congratulations, you're one second into the film!

CCrow

Oh no! The plaster's coming off!

S4 General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)

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CCrow

Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies.