[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick watch in horror and dismay.]
That was one unstable octopus.
JAJoel [as Capt. Robbins]
Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me.
SAServo [as Capt. Robbins]
Wait, how did he do that?
CRCapt. Robbins
[solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
CCrow
Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.
[the credits get shown]
Loser. [Joel and Crow laugh] Harvey B. Loser. George Bec-loser. Paul Loser Marco. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... [they get up to leave]
CCrow
But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer?
[The titles appear.]
CCrow
I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
NNick
Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
JAJoel [as Kay]
How many ways can I say "no"?!
KKay
Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
CACrow [as Kay]
Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
NNick
I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
JAJoel [as Nick]
… with a loser like me.
SAServo [as Nick]
I should spank myself.
[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
CCrow
I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
CCrow
Well, I hate him, naturally.
Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
CCrow
Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
CCrow
Or when they 86'd Jarts!
I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
CCrow
Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
CCrow
Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
CCrow
I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
CACrow [as Goliath]
Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?
[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]
Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
CCrow
That purse will be the death of him!
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
CACrow [as Eegah]
[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
CSCrow and Servo
[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
[singing] I can't fight this feelin'...
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
CACrow [as Eegah]
[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
CSCrow and Servo
[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
[singing] I can't stop this feelin'...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
