Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
God help her.
“Mr. Monk and the Red Herring” · Season 3, Episode 10
In this episode: Adrian Monk (12), Natalie Teeger (7), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (5), Lt. Randall Disher (2), Dr. Charles Kroger (2), Julie Teeger (2)
[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger]
Didn't she sell her house?
Yes.
And she moved back to New Jersey?
Yes.
And she remarried her ex-husband?
I'm not sure I like where you're going here.
[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
N2Nurse #2
What would my hours be?
Nine A.M....
N2Nurse #2
Until...?
Until one...
N2Nurse #2
One P.M.?
Until one of us dies.
[Monk is investigating Natalie Teeger's house to figure what the two intruders who have broken into her house might have been after]
Is there money in the house?
No.
What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
How did you know that?
There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
[whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!
You recently started dating again.
How did you know that?
[holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
It's a goldfish.
Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Is it extinct?
If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]
Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?
[In dead perp Brian Lemmon's pocket, Monk finds a note]
"2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
I've narrowed it down... to nobody.
[watching a somber parrot]
What happened to him?
His wife died.
PSPet Store Owner
That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Why not put another female in there with him?
Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
PSPet Store Owner
That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
[to Monk] What was her name?
Trudy.
[At the museum]
HCHuman Corpuscle performer
Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
No. I'd like to know less about you.
[examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
What?
Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
It was over 30,000 years ago!
Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?
[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Pretend you're in a funhouse.
AAdrianMonk
Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Okay, fetus ahead!
Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Ah, no! Oh, I c-- I can't go up there, I-- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!
[Julie's teacher has disqualified her science project, and Natalie needs Monk to validate that Julie's project is legitimate]
What do you call a guy who studies fish?
An ichthyologist.
That's what you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
I really don't think I am.
For the next five minutes you are.
[Peck has set one of the exhibits on fire as a distraction; Stottlemeyer rushes up]
KKid
Here, use this! It's a fire extinguisher. [He hands Stottlemeyer his homemade fire extinguisher]
Thanks. [He sprays it on the fire, which causes the flames to grow and intensify] Hey! What's in this thing?!
KKid
Turpentine. [Stottlemeyer resorts to using his coat to smother the blaze]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.