[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona FlemingOh, uh, he's practicing.
Sharona Fleming
Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming
Are you gonna arrest him?
D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Captain, what about the note on the door?
My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
"C"? What the hell is "C"?
[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona
What's that?
Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
FTFirst Teacher
That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
FTFirst Teacher
No, we were in different classrooms.
Sharona Fleming
Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
DPDerek Philby
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Oh - um... just making them even.
DPDerek Philby
[highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together!
But they're - they're even.
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together.
DPDerek Philby
But they're mixed together.
[changes the subject]
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona
Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
LPLt. Plato
Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona Fleming
Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
LPLt. Plato
They are fiesta beads.
Sharona Fleming
What are fiesta beads?
LPLt. Plato
You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona Fleming
Ahh, no.
LPLt. Plato
Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona Fleming
Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming
[gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
LPLt. Plato
You wore them so... proudly!
[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming
Adrian.
I mean, the perfect victim.
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming
Can we just focus on the work now?
All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
[incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
[looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
You're right. What's that mean?
I don't know. What about the cashier?
No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Is there a circus in town?
A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
[laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming
Ooh! You okay?
I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming
You have a comfort zone?
Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming
I've never seen your comfort zone.
It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming
Where do we start?
Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
[Monk and Sharona talk to Arianna Dakkar, the horse trainer]
ADAriana Dakkar
Ariana Dakkar.
Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias.
ADAriana Dakkar
Why talk to me?
You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed.
ADAriana Dakkar
Who told you that?
No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table.
ADAriana Dakkar
I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too.
"She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana's demeanour changes]
ADAriana Dakkar
I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public.
Sharona Fleming
Who?
ADAriana Dakkar
Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky.
ADAriana Dakkar
Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming impliment] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him before, six months ago, but there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.
Sharona Fleming
If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
ADAriana Dakkar
How did you know that?
The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
ADAriana Dakkar
Thank you, Mr. Monk.
[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
A leopard and panther wrangler.
Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
What's that supposed to mean?
They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Cold as ice with a broken foot.
A bad temper with a broken foot.
You keep coming back to the foot!
Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming
Suck it up!
Sharona Fleming
Fine.
Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
[glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Ahem. She missed the net?
No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming
We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming
I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!
[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona Fleming
Oh, just suck it up.
I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming
Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Sharona Fleming
Well, you should. Come here.
[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
Sharona Fleming
What do you think so far?
There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
Sharona Fleming
It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Sharona Fleming
She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming
There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
HDHal Duncan
[as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
But you're supposed to be in jail!
HDHal Duncan
It's funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
HDHal Duncan
Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
HDHal Duncan
You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
HDHal Duncan
Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
You know, if you don't leave, I'll--
HDHal Duncan
You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?
[Monk meets Sharona's mother after being told several white lies]
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Sharona Fleming
Not now.
CFCheryl Fleming
Where's Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona Fleming
Oh, he's not here. He's sleeping over at a friend's house.
CFCheryl Fleming
You forgot I was coming, didn't you? No, that's all right. I understand. You're probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona Fleming
Hey, Ma, you know what? There's, there's something I've got to tell you.
CFCheryl Fleming
What? A bad review?
Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, no, I'm fine, I've been sittin' all day.
Sharona Fleming
Ma, you know what? I think it's best that we sit down.
Sharona Fleming
Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, you mean, in the audience?
No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, I know. I read the script.
CFCheryl Fleming
Oh, I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming
Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.
CFCheryl Fleming
Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?
The police don't think so.
CFCheryl Fleming
Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?
Of course, we're going to help her. After all, we're…we're a couple of detectives. Right?
Sharona Fleming
Right.
Monk · 667 quotes
