[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
NatalieThere's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
Natalie
So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Natalie
Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Natalie
Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
VMVampire Manager
[Staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
VVampire
[Taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Why are you talking like that?
VMVampire Manager
I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! Ooh...!
Natalie
Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
VMVampire Manager
Yes... Cassandre Rank. She was a most delectable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
Natalie
She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
VMVampire Manager
What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
VMVampire Manager
Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
Natalie
There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
VMVampire Manager
[Slipping back into character] Yes...! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectable neck, I'm sure in fact-
Natalie Teeger
She was killed too.
VMVampire Manager
[Breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [Stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Natalie
Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
VMVampire Manager
I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar... [Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge]
Natalie
Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Natalie
Uh, no. You're the boss.
[Getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie
You want to run around?
Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
[Confused] What do we win?
[Waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house, Disher passes out pieces of gum]
What is this? [Turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie
[Making a face] Tar?
No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
[Ike, Reggie, and the Professor have shown up at Monk's apartment looking for his services]
Natalie
Do you guys want to sit down?
IRIke, Reggie & the Professor
Yeah! Thanks.
No! That couch doesn't work, none of these chairs work. How 'bout we sit on some newspapers! Julie, go get some newspapers!
[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]
Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie
What's in it?
[Reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Natalie
Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
Natalie
On your face! On your lip!
It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie
You're making me a little uncomfortable!
[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]
SLSarah Longson
Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie
How does it taste?
Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.
[Dean Berry is testing his genetically altered corn seeds]
DBProfessor Dean Berry
What's our time?
SLSarah Longson
17:20. [The seed begins to sprout]
DBProfessor Dean Berry
Germination complete. That is our best time yet, and that, boys and girls, is how you feed four billion people. [[Looks up and turns to Sarah, Monk and Natalie] We're in business. Call our investors, tell them to bring their checkbooks.
SLSarah Longson
I'll set it up for Friday. Dean, this is Adrian Monk and I believe you remember Natalie Teeger?
DBProfessor Dean Berry
Ah, yes! The woman who stole my bike.
Natalie
I didn't steal it!
DBProfessor Dean Berry
No, that's right. I believe "aided and abetted" is the correct term. [He crosses the room to his wall safe] I'm sorry, I have to lock these up. Would you mind turning around? [Monk and Natalie do so as Berry punches in the numbers on the lock's keypad] It's just that if somebody else sees this combination I'll have to memorize a new one and I don't want to waste the gray cells. [He unlocks the vault door]
[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]
Am I going to need a tetanus shot after this?
Natalie
Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!
Natalie
I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]
No, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
Natalie
The right thing. [Monk sighs and pounds his elbow against the door]
Hello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [Sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [Sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!
Natalie
[Whispers to Monk] Try again!
[Kuramoto fires at them through the other side of the door. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee]
[Last lines; Monk and Natalie have parted with Marge]
Natalie
A pirate?
It's more fun to be a pirate.
Natalie
That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
Natalie
Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.
Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.
Natalie
[Imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
Yeah, okay, how is that funny?
Natalie
It's funny.
RBRoderick Brody
I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Natalie
Funny crazy.
[Simultaneously] Sad crazy. [Long pause, then Roderick looks at them, confused] Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [Takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick. Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [Long pause]
RBRoderick Brody
[Long pause] So it's sad crazy?
Natalie
No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... tortured him.
Monk · 667 quotes
