[On the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [Pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [Pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [Pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! Slams the phone down]
[To the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
NatalieWhat? You can't arrest him for anything?
Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Captain, we just got a call.
You'd better put down the cup.
Just tell me who called, Randy.
Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
Natalie
What happened?
I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Natalie
Wait, Mr. Monk-
Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
FFirst Detective
Hey, the cavalry is here.
Can I have the room, please?
You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
Natalie
Mr. Monk...
Natalie
You can't blame yourself.
Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.
[Crouching by the body] Poison.
No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
LDLt. Disher
According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
PKPatrick Kloster
That's right.
LDLt. Disher
And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
PKPatrick Kloster
Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
PKPatrick Kloster
I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
PKPatrick Kloster
Did she?
She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
PKPatrick Kloster
My wife was an unstable woman.
She didn't seem unstable.
PKPatrick Kloster
I'm sure she was. [Turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Natalie
Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
PKPatrick Kloster
And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
PKPatrick Kloster
Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
PKPatrick Kloster
Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
[Starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
PKPatrick Kloster
Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.
[Monk and Natalie have parked outside Patrick Kloster's house, and they are reading his books]
Natalie
"In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]
Keep going. Here's the next one.
Natalie
Oh Mr. Monk, come on! We've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?
I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head! So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]
Natalie
"Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [Flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatiana."
You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds a check]
Natalie
Fine, sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Natalie
But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [Holds the check up, long pause]
She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie
Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie
You--you made a promise to me, too.
[Points to the car mirror, and sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is! [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]
Natalie
What?
Natalie
He's coming! What do we do? Uh, we should kiss! No! I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that!
[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]
BLBilly Logan
Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie
My mark?
BLBilly Logan
Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
SMStage Manager
90 seconds!
Natalie
90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
BLBilly Logan
There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [To himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
SLStan Lawrence
Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
SLStan Lawrence
They usually do.
Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
SLStan Lawrence
You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
BLBilly Logan
I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Natalie
Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [Pause, then Monk gives her a gesture that implies; "get-on-with-it" ] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
BLBilly Logan
[Whispering] Turn it on. [Pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]
Natalie
My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
[Tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.
Natalie
[Draws the number 32] The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [Clicks her teeth and draws the number 10] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Natalie
Apparently not everybody's favorite. [The number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [Little wave] Hi Julie! [Pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [Pauses] You'll thank me later! [The music stops]
"You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!
[Tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.
Natalie
[Accidentally trips over some cables] Excuse me! Do these cables have to be right here?!
BLBilly Logan
Yes they do, because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.
Natalie
Well can't you move them somewhere else?! They almost broke my neck!
BLBilly Logan
Almost doesn't count.
Natalie
Fine. I'll do it. [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]
BLBilly Logan
What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down.
Natalie
I'm taking care of it!
BLBilly Logan
Let go! [Stan Lawrence comes over]
SLStan Lawrence
Billy, what the hell is the matter here?
Natalie
Stan, I can't work with this guy!
BLBilly Logan
What, YOU can't work with me?! Who do you think you are, lady?! I've been here for eight years, and you're just another untalented face!
SLStan Lawrence
Billy! Calm down!
Natalie
Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!
BLBilly Logan
The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron!
SLStan Lawrence
Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude. That's it. You're out of here! You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]
Natalie
No-no-no, don't fire him!
BLBilly Logan
See, look, I'm moving the cable! [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!
SLStan Lawrence
It's too late, Billy!
BLBilly Logan
I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!
SLStan Lawrence
Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys. Get him out of here!
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]
It's the other lens. [Pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Natalie
Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie
Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
[With an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim- [becomes silent]
Natalie
Some other what? "Bim" what?!
[Mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Natalie
Mr. Monk, do- do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
Natalie
OK, then I guess I quit.
[Relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie
No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie
So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
You should have just kept it all in your basement.
DMDaniel MacGraw
It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
DMDaniel MacGraw
[Sarcastically] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]
Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie
Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie
What?!
I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show that the water has gotten to just above Monk's ankles]
[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
Natalie
She's beautiful.
Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Natalie
Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
[About Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie
[Ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie
Boats...
Natalie
Lightning...
The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Natalie
Bad.
Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Natalie
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
If you can name them, you can catch them.
Monk · 667 quotes
