Captain Leland StottlemeyerThat assistant, she called you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Actually, I think she might be on to something.
We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
The apartment was locked from the inside.
Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Okay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Yes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Once. Ten years ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
[Dexter finds the police at his house; Stottlemeyer, Monk and Sharona are waiting for him in his dining room]
What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Dexter Larsen, that's a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
BBimbo
Dex, I tried to call you. They've been here an hour. They've been looking everywhere!
Looking... for proof that you killed Elliot D'Souza.
Mr. Monk, are you serious? [notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that!
Sorry, I'll get it. [He starts to grab for it]
No! No! Don't touch it. I'll do it. It's very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What's wrong? Pick it up. Can't weigh more than fifteen pounds.
All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Excuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [Dexter tries to pick it up again, but it is stuck to the table] We found it, Dexter.
The magnet that you built. [Stottlemeyer moves aside a dining table chair, revealing that Randy is holding a large magnet to the underside of the table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Randy, you can come out now, unless you're enjoying yourself down there. [Randy gets up, carrying the large magnet with him]
What's this supposed to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What, you don't recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. [to Monk] Go ahead.
LMrs. Ling
You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer
Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
LMrs. Ling
Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.
[about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
[Monk and Sharona have arrived at the toll plaza]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Handcuffed to one wrist and tied to seventy-feet of rope.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
And then he was dragged west seven-tenths of a mile. I just saw the body. Or what’s left of it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
The M.E. said he’s never seen anything like it. There’s no end to it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I mean, this is number nine. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No. No connection at all. I mean, four have been men, five women, all different ages. Latino, white, black.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
' All different. There’s been a couple of shootings, different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. I mean, it’s, it’s like a full moon every night!
And you’re sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, they have one thing in common, Monk. We can’t solve them. I swear, there’s something in the water.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Noticing that the officers have all gathered around Sharona] Hey! Hey, guys. What is this, a high school dance? Give the girl some room. Let her breathe. [Sharona comes over] Come here. I want to talk to you. I understand that you are seeing Kenny Shale.
Oh, it’s nothing serious.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yes, it is. I wanna tell you something, Sharona. Your life is about to change. Everybody you know is gonna want a piece of you. You’re not gonna know who to trust. Monk can’t help you with this, all right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He’s, he’s brilliant, but he’s Monk. He’s lost in Monkland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Now, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in the spotlight. And, well here. I want you to take that. [Hands Sharona a card]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
That’s my cell phone number, okay? You call me 24/7 if you need anything. Yeah, I just don’t want to see you get hurt.
Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah. Oh, I was thinking, um, maybe we could get together, do a double date kind of thing. Me and Karen, you and Kenny? I’ve always liked Kenny. Kenny, he’s—he’s a good guy. He’s good people.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [To a passing cop] Jerry! Hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [Turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.
Captain! [Hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer puts the file folder to his forehead]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [Hands the file back to Randy]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
'Cause that's what they always say. That's scrap paper. [Monk is looking at a board of victims' photos] What about the ten dollar bills? Anything on them?
They’re from a bank in San Mateo, Wells Fargo, untraceable.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Of course they are. [Addresses the other detectives] All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We’re not gonna find him flailing in the dark. Let’s communicate, keep each other briefed. We’re going dumpster diving. We’re gonna- [stops as he notices Randy putting up a sheet of paper on the crime board]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What are you doing? What is that?
I’m leaving a space for the next victim.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Take that down. Take it down! [Randy does so] There is no "next victim". We’re stopping the son of a bitch at ten.
[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off.
That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
The killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
[cuts to a Paris police prefecture. A police lieutenant comes into his captain's office]
LLLieutenant Lafitte
[in French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau.
DCaptain Dupres
[in French] He solved it?
LLLieutenant Lafitte
[in French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone]
DCaptain Dupres
Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [cuts to Monk's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Je travaille avec le department de police de San Francisco. Uhhhh, parlez vous English? ["Hello, my name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I work for the department of police of San Francisco. Do you speak English"]
DCaptain Dupres
I speak enough. What can I do for you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Uh, hi, I've got a friend. His name is Adrian Monk.
[into the phone] Bonjour.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
He has a theory about an unsolved case of yours. Here, I'll put him on. [hands the phone to Monk] He speaks English well enough. [Monk wipes down the phone, pressing several of the other buttons]
Yes, yse, hello. I think I know who killed Madame Beaudreau.
DCaptain Dupres
[skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
I think her husband did it.
DCaptain Dupres
Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
DCaptain Dupres
I do not follow you.
They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
DCaptain Dupres
Mon Dieu...
He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
DCaptain Dupres
Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
MCMalcolm Cowley
Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
MCMalcolm Cowley
That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
[looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
What? Monk, we've got him dead to rights.
He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
[Disher walks into Stottlemeyer's office while Stottlemeyer does work on his laptop]
Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
This means "hurry up".
It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
[stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Our guy was empty-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat]
Right. So we're back to Monk's theory?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I'm afraid so. [shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
But the killer took the money.
The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
She's stronger and smarter than you.
[answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
[into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
You told me you were an only child.
I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
[raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!
[Adrian believes that the incriminating shell casing they are looking for is in van Ranken's pie]
Captain Stottlemeyer
Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Please, don't make me say it again.
PVPat van Ranken
And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer
Then we'll get a search warrant.
PVPat van Ranken
For a pie?
Monk · 667 quotes
