Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

Yes, sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.

Evacuate?

Monk

Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.

Uhh....

Monk

Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco... from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.

Monk

Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?

How many do you need?

Monk

Oh, about...a trillion.

Monk

It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We live 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed. Smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash. Piling up outside, higher and higher...until we couldn't leave the house. [Chokes] We were buried alive. [A bag is tossed] And now it's coming true. [Dr. Kroger does not reply] Dr. Kroger? [After a pause]

Dr. Charles Kroger

Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?

Monk

[Laughs in disbelief] No.

Dr. Charles Kroger

See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.

Monk

Really?

Dr. Charles Kroger

Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label. It’s upsetting my wife, it’s upsetting my children, and I want it to stop!

Monk

[Locks his hands] Up you go.

Natalie

What?

Monk

Take a look, check it out. Up you go.

Natalie

Up you go.

Monk

Up you go!

Natalie

Up you go!

Monk

Up you go!

Natalie

I'm just the assistant!

Monk

I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

Natalie

Well, higher! [Straining, Monk does so] Oh my God!

Monk

What is it?

Natalie

Oh my God!

Monk

Natalie, what is it?

Natalie

There are footprints!

Monk

Footprints... down you go.

Natalie

Okay, down I go?

Monk

Down you go.

Natalie

Down we go.

Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?

Monk

The same.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Natalie

So you've never won anything in your whole life?

Monk

Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.

Natalie

Well, that's something.

Monk

But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.

Natalie

Well, at least you got invited to the party!

Monk

It was my party, okay, it was my mother!

Natalie

You okay?

Monk

Girl's bathroom.

Natalie

What are you afraid of? [Pokes Monk] Cooties?

Monk

Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

Monk

Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."

Karl

Hey, Mr. Monk.

Oh, hell, he's back.

Monk

Hey, Chucky. You missed a spot. [Comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?

You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.

Monk

Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?

House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.

Monk

Captain, I was here first.

Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away! Don't you think that should take a priority right now?

Monk

Uhhhh...

Don't you?

Monk

I don't know.

Let's go! [The engine starts to drive away]

Monk

OK, but I haven't got all day!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So, how’s it look, Doc?

Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Which means what, exactly?

It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Natalie

[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].

Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]

Lt. Disher

Monk?

Monk

Huh?

Lt. Disher

It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Sternly] Randy...

Lt. Disher

So from the 11th to the 13th...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Monk

Is it straight?

Natalie

It’s perfect.

Monk

I’ll never see her face again.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, don’t say that!

Monk

Am I crying?

Natalie

No.

Monk

Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. [Walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.

Natalie

I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [Stops and regains control] Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.

Monk

Like who?

Natalie

Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…

Monk

Yeah?

Natalie

You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh... Mr. Magoo.

Monk

Who’s that?

Natalie

Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.

Monk

Really?

Natalie

An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.

Monk

And he was blind?

Natalie

I don’t wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.

Monk

Me neither.

Natalie

What's so important, Randy?

Lt. Disher

I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.

Natalie

Who is he?

Lt. Disher

A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?

Monk

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.

Natalie

But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.

Monk

Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.

Natalie

So you found the guy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.

Natalie

Did his shoes squeak?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.

Monk

[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?

Natalie

Yeah, it is.

Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.

Natalie

Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!

Monk

Hope. I hate hope’s guts!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, what happened to all your confidence?

Monk

I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…

Lt. Disher

Five-sixteenths of a man.

Monk

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.

Natalie

Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?

Monk

I'm being kept in a room against my will.

Natalie

You were kidnapped. Uh, do you know who did it?

Monk

Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie... Teeger.

Natalie

You can't swim?

Monk

To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.

Natalie

You learned to swim by mail?

Monk

They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.

Natalie

"Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."

Monk

Can I have that back, please?

Natalie

Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.

Monk

Hello, tsunamis?

Monk

You owe me 85 cents.

Natalie

Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.

Monk

Don't think I won't.

Natalie

How'd you get so cheap? Really?!?

Monk

I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me!