Adrian Monk quotes from Monk, page 12 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Tony Shalhoub

Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)

Scenes with Adrian Monk 442

Joe Christie

89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?

Adrian Monk

I'd kill someone not to get it.

S3 E7 Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

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[Monk and Christie look through Jenny's special privilages]

Adrian Monk

Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.

Joe Christie

It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...

Adrian Monk

Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.

Joe Christie

...barbecued shrimp...

Adrian Monk

Stop.

S3 E7 Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

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[Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]

DEDwight Ellison

Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.

Val Birch

Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.

Adrian Monk

Yes, yes it was-

Val Birch

Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?

SStagehand

Almost done.

DEDwight Ellison

Adrian's here from San Francisco.

Val Birch

Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?

Adrian Monk

Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.

Val Birch

I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.

Adrian Monk

The Golden Gate.

Val Birch

No, genius, the bridge.

Adrian Monk

Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-

Val Birch

Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]

DEDwight Ellison

[to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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[Monk notices that Kevin has picked up a pencil]

Adrian Monk

What are you doing? What is that?

Kevin Dorfman

Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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[Kevin and Monk are looking inside Val Birch's house, and are debating whether they can go in]

Kevin Dorfman

I know, I'll lean in.

Adrian Monk

What?

Kevin Dorfman

Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.

Adrian Monk

I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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[Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]

Adrian Monk

I have to get closer.

Kevin Dorfman

Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.

[cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]

Roddy Lankman

Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]

Kevin Dorfman

Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.

Roddy Lankman

[onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?

Adrian Monk

Yes.

Roddy Lankman

Who'd that be?

Adrian Monk

Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.

Roddy Lankman

That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?

Adrian Monk

No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]

SStagehand

Did he just say "car bomb"?

Adrian Monk

[continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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[Monk's game enters the second round]

Roddy Lankman

Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.

Adrian Monk

Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.

Roddy Lankman

Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

B, Tibula.

Roddy Lankman

Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]

Val Birch

It's C.

Roddy Lankman

Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.

Val Birch

Lucky guess.

Roddy Lankman

Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman

Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]

Adrian Monk

D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].

Roddy Lankman

D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]

Adrian Monk

B-B-B-B-B-B!

Roddy Lankman

"B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?

SSusan

I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!

Roddy Lankman

Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]

SSusan

Roddy Lankman

No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman

'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]

Adrian Monk

Roddy Lankman

D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]

Adrian Monk

Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.

Roddy Lankman

[scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?

Adrian Monk

Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]

Val Birch

Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]

Roddy Lankman

Mr. Monk, what are you doing?

[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]

Kevin Dorfman

Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.

Adrian Monk

[onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]

Roddy Lankman

Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]

DEDwight Ellison

You do and you're fired.

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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[Visiting his former in-laws' house, Monk briefly stops near Trudy's room... and opens the door]

MEMarcia Ellison

It's still how she left it. Do you want to go in? There might be something you want to keep.

Monk

[Takes a step forward... then steps back and closes the door] I can't.

MEMarcia Ellison

I know. Took me two-and-a-half years.

Monk

How did you do it, Marcia? How did you survive?

MEMarcia Ellison

I didn't think I would. I was buried alive.

Monk

Buried alive...

MEMarcia Ellison

And then one day... the sun came up. Garden was blooming. Kids were riding by the house on their bikes, and... I decided to give the world a second chance. It's still a beautiful world, Adrian.

S3 E8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show

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Sharona

I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk

Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

S3 E9 Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine

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[Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]

Sharona Fleming

Is it you?

Adrian Monk

I think so. [touches a lamp]

Sharona Fleming

What happened to "the Monk"?

Adrian Monk

Trudy didn't like him.

S3 E9 Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine

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[Monk walks up to Randy]

Monk

Hey, toystore!

Randy

What did you just call me?

Monk

Toystore. Your name's Disher, dish. Plate, play-to, play-dough...where do you buy play-dough?

Randy

Toystore?

Monk

That's what I'm talking about.

S3 E9 Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine

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[Monk and Sharona are speeding through the streets to stop Lester Highsmith]

Adrian Monk

A Stop sign is not a suggestion!!

Sharona Fleming

Yes it is!

[cuts to Lester and his accomplice loading money boxes into the back of their van. After finishing loading the money, Lester pulls out his sidearm Glock and draws it on the hostage guard]

LHLester Highsmith

Sorry, Kelly, nothing personal. [Monk and Sharona come speeding into the industrial park. Lester and his partner look up as the car screeches to a stop]

Adrian Monk

Lester! Drop the gun!

LHLester Highsmith

You? [starts to lower his gun, but stops] Is that a water pistol? [The barrel is dripping]

Adrian Monk

No. [pause] Maybe. [Lester starts to raise his gun again. Police cars begin to approach just behind Monk] It's... scalding! It's scalding hot water! Just drop it! [As an unmarked unit screeches to a stop, Stottlemeyer hangs out the door]