Kevin Dorfman quotes from Monk

Adrian Monk

What are you doing? What is that?

Kevin Dorfman

Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.

Kevin Dorfman

I know, I'll lean in.

Adrian Monk

What?

Kevin Dorfman

Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.

Adrian Monk

I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

Adrian Monk

I have to get closer.

Kevin Dorfman

Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.

Roddy Lankman

Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]

Kevin Dorfman

Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.

Roddy Lankman

[onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?

Adrian Monk

Yes.

Roddy Lankman

Who'd that be?

Adrian Monk

Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.

Roddy Lankman

That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?

Adrian Monk

No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]

Did he just say "car bomb"?

Adrian Monk

[continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.

Roddy Lankman

Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.

Adrian Monk

Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.

Roddy Lankman

Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

B, Tibula.

Roddy Lankman

Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]

Val Birch

It's C.

Roddy Lankman

Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.

Val Birch

Lucky guess.

Roddy Lankman

Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

D.

Roddy Lankman

Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]

Adrian Monk

D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].

Roddy Lankman

D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]

Adrian Monk

B-B-B-B-B-B!

Roddy Lankman

"B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?

I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!

Roddy Lankman

Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]

C!

Roddy Lankman

No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]

Adrian Monk

A.

Roddy Lankman

'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]

Adrian Monk

D.

Roddy Lankman

D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]

Adrian Monk

Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.

Roddy Lankman

[scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?

Adrian Monk

Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]

Val Birch

Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]

Roddy Lankman

Mr. Monk, what are you doing?

Kevin Dorfman

Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.

Adrian Monk

[onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]

Roddy Lankman

Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]

You do and you're fired.