[first lines; Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
Roddy LankmanDoesn't prove anything.
LTLizzie Talvo
It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
Roddy Lankman
No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
LTLizzie Talvo
Roddy, why did you do it?
Roddy Lankman
You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
LTLizzie Talvo
That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
Roddy Lankman
What are you doing?
LTLizzie Talvo
The right thing!
Roddy Lankman
Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
LTLizzie Talvo
I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
Roddy Lankman
All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
LTLizzie Talvo
I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!
[Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]
Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.
[cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]
Roddy Lankman
Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]
Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.
Roddy Lankman
[onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?
Roddy Lankman
Who'd that be?
Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.
Roddy Lankman
That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]
SStagehand
Did he just say "car bomb"?
[continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.
[Monk's game enters the second round]
Roddy Lankman
Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Roddy Lankman
Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]
Roddy Lankman
Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
Roddy Lankman
Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Roddy Lankman
Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
Roddy Lankman
Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].
Roddy Lankman
D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]
Roddy Lankman
"B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
SSusan
I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
Roddy Lankman
Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
Roddy Lankman
No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
Roddy Lankman
'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]
Roddy Lankman
D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
Roddy Lankman
[scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
Roddy Lankman
Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
[onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
Roddy Lankman
Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
DEDwight Ellison
You do and you're fired.
Monk · 667 quotes
