Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Are you excited?

Adrian Monk

Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

"Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.

[They walk around the remains of Alby Drake's tree to meet Stottlemeyer, who climbs over one of the fallen branches to meet them]

Adrian Monk

Captain!

Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.

Adrian Monk

What time?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.

He made a phone call though at around midnight.

Adrian Monk

To a payphone, right?

You guessed it: Palo Alto.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.

Adrian Monk

So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.

That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.

Adrian Monk

Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.

He has a date.

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[Monk is on the phone with Michelle Rivas]

Adrian Monk

That used to be my nickname, Mr. Punctuality.

MRMichelle Rivas

In college?

Adrian Monk

Kindergarten.

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[Monk, Michelle and a pregnant woman are trapped in an elevator due to Winston Brenner's second blackout]

Adrian Monk

[pushing the Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...

PIPerson in Elevator

Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.

Adrian Monk

...Yeah, you're probably right. [resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

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[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at Winston Brenner]

Adrian Monk

Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!

Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

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[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]

What's the problem? It's a great job!

Monk

I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...

Hey, hey. I miss it too.

S3 E4 Mr. Monk Gets Fired

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Monk

I solved the case!

What are you doing?

Monk

I'm dancing a jig!

That's not a jig.

Monk

What is it, then?

I don't know, I don't want to know.

Monk

I'm back, baby!

S3 E4 Mr. Monk Gets Fired

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[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]

Adrian Monk

Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.

That's my music.

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[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]

Adrian Monk

Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Agent Colmes

Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.

[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]

Adrian Monk

Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...

What if you had to sit down?

Adrian Monk

Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.

Number Five.

Adrian Monk

I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.

That's only for women!

Oh! Right.

Adrian Monk

Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.

Agent Colmes

Number Six? Great.

Adrian Monk

Not Four.

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[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]

VVince

Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.

Adrian Monk

It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.

You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?

Adrian Monk

Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

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[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]

Adrian Monk

Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.

Agent Colmes

Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?

Adrian Monk

Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"