A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
[Monk is investigating Natalie Teeger's house to figure what the two intruders who have broken into her house might have been after]
Adrian MonkIs there money in the house?
No.
Adrian MonkWhat about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
How did you know that?
Adrian MonkThere's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
[whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!
Adrian MonkYou recently started dating again.
How did you know that?
Adrian Monk[holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian MonkOh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
It's a goldfish.
Adrian MonkTechnically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Is it extinct?
If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?
[In dead perp Brian Lemmon's pocket, Monk finds a note]
Adrian Monk"2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Adrian MonkI've narrowed it down... to nobody.
[watching a somber parrot]
What happened to him?
Adrian MonkHis wife died.
That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Why not put another female in there with him?
Adrian MonkWon't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
[to Monk] What was her name?
Adrian MonkTrudy.
Adrian Monk[examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
What?
Adrian MonkLook, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
It was over 30,000 years ago!
Adrian MonkWell, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?
[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Pretend you're in a funhouse.
Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian MonkAhhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Adrian MonkAh, no! Oh, I c-- I can't go up there, I-- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!
[Julie's teacher has disqualified her science project, and Natalie needs Monk to validate that Julie's project is legitimate]
What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian MonkAn ichthyologist.
That's what you are.
Adrian MonkNo, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Adrian MonkI really don't think I am.
For the next five minutes you are.
[In John Ricca's apartment]
[to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
Right.
Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
The Cobra?
Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Adrian MonkCaptain?
Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
Adrian MonkMore or less. How did he enter the building?
He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian MonkHe didn't mind being seen?
Was he really killed with nunchucks?
Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
Adrian MonkThe killer left these behind?
Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
You can't even see his face!
He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
Adrian MonkHow could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
"OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.
[Stottlemeyer makes a late night visit to Monk's apartment. Monk, carrying a container of lightbulbs, answers]
Adrian MonkCaptain.
Hey. Got a minute?
Adrian MonkSure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
What are you doing?
Adrian MonkOh, nothing. I was just... polishing the lightbulbs. What's going on? [He takes his box of lightbulbs back to the kitchen]
Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian MonkUhhhh....
Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian MonkBurnshaw?
Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian MonkThe Plaza bombing?
Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian MonkWhat does this have to do with-
Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk[reads from the file] It's a match.
It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian MonkYeah...
Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've gotta know, I've gotta be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?
[Natalie asks Master Zi if he thinks Monk should pay her expenses]
This man is your employer, your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. [to Monk] I would not pay this woman any more money. You must teach her that wealth is in the heart, not in the bank.
Adrian MonkIt's not in the bank.
Adrian MonkIt must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
It is a gift... and a curse.
[Sonny Chow's coffin is being exhumed]
Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.
Yeah?
You'd have to arrest him.
I'd get to meet him.
He might even try to kill you.
You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!
[Cuts to the gravediggers lifting the coffin out of the ground]
Adrian MonkCaptain. How are you feeling?
I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?
Adrian MonkWell he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.
Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this, 'cause once they do, it's gonna be like Christmas morning for those vultures.
[examining the monument] Look at that thing!
Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for that!
Adrian Monk[to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You wanna be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]
What did you say?
Adrian MonkI said you might wanna be careful with that.
Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]
Do I know you?
Maybe you do.
You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?
I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]
[to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.
Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.
Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-
Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.
[Monk and Natalie are waiting for Sonny Chow's coffin to be opened; Monk is examining pickle jars containing preserved organs]
Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.
Adrian MonkOh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas. [Stottlemeyer, Disher, and a doctor come in]
OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]
Hello...
[covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
We're so sorry to disturb you.
[They take a part of the corpse, and examine it under a microscope]
Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.
We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
