Alex Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Claire

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil

Buddy, uncool.

Claire

That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil

We were serious about that?

Claire

Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke

I'm so sorry!

Claire

Liar. Go.

Phil

He's got a birthday party.

Alex

What's more important here, dad?

Claire

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil

I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex

What about 3:00?

Claire

No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil

Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Alex

Did you draw on my poster?

Haley

Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

Alex

I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.

Haley

Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.

Alex

That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Haley

Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Alex

What's Jägermeister?

Phil

Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle -- you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Alex

[Enters the car] Hey mom-

Claire

That was 20 minutes.

Alex

Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.

Claire

Oh honey, why so sweet?

Alex

Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.

Claire

Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!

Alex

Oh my gosh!

Claire

Yeah, that's right!

Alex

Thanks mom!

Claire

Go on, have a great time!

Claire

[Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Claire

[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay

Really?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You?

Claire

[changes tone] Yes.

Jay

Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Haley

Oh my god, what?!

Alex

You were arrested?

Luke

Awesome!

Claire

Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay

: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire

Dad...

Claire

Where'd you go?

Alex

Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

Haley

Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?

Claire

Alex, did you do that?

Alex

You got a text?

Haley

Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!

Alex

This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!

Claire

Haley, did you say that to her?

Haley

Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!

Alex

I'm never going back to school now.

Claire

No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -

Alex

What?! You read my texts?!

Haley

You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!

Alex

You made her talk to me?!

Claire

I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.

Alex

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!

Haley

Were you?

Claire

Oh.

Haley

Were you?! I highly doubt it!

Haley

Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.

Claire

Are you kidding me?

Haley

What? I am her back then when she was hot.

Claire

I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

Alex

I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Alex

Where are we?

Haley

The boys' locker room.

Alex

It smells like feet.

Haley

That's not feet.

Alex

Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now, don't kick me, okay? Lily! I said don't kick me! Okay?

Jimmy

You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you trying standing behind her?

Alex

You are an idiot.

Jimmy

Oh, really. I ain't the gettin' kicked.

Alex

Why are you following me?

Jimmy

why are you fightin' me here, gorgeous? This works.

Alex

I really, really don't appreciate you calling me 'gorgeous'. I just wanna enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind...

Jimmy

Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.

Hee hee. You kissed the boy.

Alex

No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? Boy kissed me.

Alex

We need to talk.

Jimmy

What?

Alex

You stole my first kiss.

Jimmy

What are you talking about?

Alex

I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special: someone with a high GPA and a bright future. Not a Mario brother.

Jimmy

Fine. You know what, I don't even want your kiss. Here you can have it back.

Jimmy

There. Now we're even.

Alex

Keep it. I don't, I don't want it anymore.

Alex

What am I doing?

Alex

I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.

Jimmy

Yeah, but on some maps, that's like, pfft, this big.

Alex

God, you're stupid.

Phil

Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke

She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil

She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.

Alex

Offensive Line.

Phil

Sorry, African-American kid.

Haley

What just happened?

Alex

You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Haley

Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

Alex

This is not the time for moral equivocation.

Haley

Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Alex

You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

Haley

All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

Alex

Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

Haley

[scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

Alex

[Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

Claire

You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!

Claire

You're good.