Jay Pritchett quotes from Modern Family

Jay

Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He's a total flake. In fact, the only way he's like Superman... is that they both landed in this country illegally.

Jay

[To Gloria] I have to get old...You don't have to get fat.

Jay

No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.

Phil

Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug...creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Manny

[after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?

Gloria

No one, Manny.

Jay

Why would you even think that?

Gloria

In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Manny

I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.

Jay

Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Gloria

Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

Jay

But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

Manny

At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

Jay

How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Hey, you're not leaving are you?

Manny

I've got school.

Wha-?! School!

Gloria

Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!

[points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?

Jay

He's weak.

Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

Jay

I know but I kinda got work-

Pssh, work!

Manny

Go, Jay!

Gloria

Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!

Manny

Okay!

Gloria

NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Jay

[about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.

Gloria

OK, tell me one of his jokes.

Jay

Well, he doesn't do jokes.

Gloria

Does he have a mallet?

Jay

No.

Gloria

So then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay

He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Gloria

Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay

Oh, for God's sake.

Jay

Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria

No I didn't.

Jay

It's a joke.

Gloria

I don't get it.

Jay

Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria

Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Gloria

The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.

Jay

Poor kid.

Gloria

I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.

Jay

But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.

Jay

[After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

Mitchell

You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Jay

Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.

Manny

If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Jay

I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria

Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Claire

[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay

Really?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You?

Claire

[changes tone] Yes.

Jay

Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Haley

Oh my god, what?!

Alex

You were arrested?

Luke

Awesome!

Claire

Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay

: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire

Dad...

Gloria

Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.

Jay

Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.

Gloria

You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.

Jay

Because I babied it.

Gloria

You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.

Jay

Who, God? Me and God are good.

Gloria

How would you know?

Jay

Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.

Gloria

Are you gonna go to church next week?

Jay

We'll see.

Gloria

I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.

Jay

I'm done with church.

Gloria

Don't say that!

Manny

Can I go golfing with you?

Jay

Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Jay

You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.

Gloria

I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them!

Jay

And left the car.