Cameron Tucker quotes from Modern Family

Cameron

Mitchell's mother has a problem with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Cameron

It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Sidenote: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Cameron

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Cameron

Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.

Mitchell

Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.

Cameron

No, I don't.

Mitchell

Okay, your nephew's first birthday.

Cameron

That's not fair.

Mitchell

You brought a wind machine.

Cameron

To be fair, my vision was--

Mitchell

Cameron, you brought a wind machine.

Cameron

Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron

So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Mitchell

No.

Cameron

Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

Claire

Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

Cameron

Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.

Mitchell

Thanks, Cam.

Claire

Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell

Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire

Yeah, 21 years ago...

Mitchell

Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

Claire

Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell

Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Cameron

Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?

Phil

Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.

Cameron

Really?

Phil

Yeah, never really liked them

Cameron

Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil

Has anyone?!

Cameron

Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.

Mitchell

Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.

Cameron

I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.

Mitchell

Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Cameron

[Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.

Mitchell

Five hours of this.

Cameron

[In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!

Mitchell

[talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.

Cameron

I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cameron

[speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.

Mitchell

Cam, did you just sell our baby?

Mitchell

[reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."

Cameron

Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.

Cameron

Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.

Mitchell

I do not!

Cameron

Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?

Mitchell

[mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.

Cameron

You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Mitchell

[about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.

Cameron

[to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!

Mitchell

Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.

Claire

[Talking about her ex-boyfriend] Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Mitchell

You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

Cameron

[in a faux Cockney accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

Mitchell

[In disbelief] I gotta jump. [hangs up] Alright... Let's hear it.

Cameron

Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

Mitchell

[copying his faux Cockney accent] No!

Cameron

Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

Mitchell

There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

Cameron

[playing with Lily on his lap as Mitchell comes in] Hey daddy, how was the farmer's market?

Mitchell

Well, it was great but...guess what the new spinach is?

Cameron

Umm..radicchio?

Mitchell

[pulling a bunch out of his basket] Kale!

Cameron

[gasps] No!

Mitchell

I know, I was just as blown away as you are.

Cameron

Well, I guess we're going to have to...[leans close to Lily, claps and speaks in a very happy voice]...adopt, yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt!! [clap clap clap] a new vinaigrette! Adopt! Yaaay!

Mitchell

K, what's going on here?

Cameron

I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted [to Lily] Yay!

Mitchell

What did Oprah do now?

Cameron

Well, she had a girl on who, at sixteen, found out that she was [covers Lily's ears] adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper. And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.

Mitchell

[strained grin] Okay.

Cameron

Alright, go get your gavel, Judge Judy

Mitchell

No, not at all. I'm adopting [cheers, Cam claps near Lily] a tolerant attitude towards your flights of lunacy.

Cameron

[to Lily] Adopting! Yay!

Cameron

Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

Mitchell

I do not.

Cameron

You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams....I heard it as soon as I said it, just leave it alone.