Manny Delgado quotes from Modern Family

Manny

[after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?

Gloria

No one, Manny.

Jay

Why would you even think that?

Gloria

In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Manny

I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria. Nothing has worked.

Jay

Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don't have either one of those things... you're gonna be the funny guy.

Gloria

Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

Jay

But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

Manny

At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

Jay

How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Hey, you're not leaving are you?

Manny

I've got school.

Wha-?! School!

Gloria

Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!

[points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?

Jay

He's weak.

Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

Jay

I know but I kinda got work-

Pssh, work!

Manny

Go, Jay!

Gloria

Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!

Manny

Okay!

Gloria

NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Jay

[After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

Mitchell

You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Jay

Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.

Manny

If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Gloria

Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?

Manny

No its "I-E".

Gloria

Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.

Manny

I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Manny

Can I go golfing with you?

Jay

Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Jay

Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things. Have I told you the story about me and crab cakes? Thought I didn't like them, tried them, loved them.

Manny

Wow! Are the movie rights available for that one?

Manny

Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?

Actually, I'm Jewish.

Manny

Then you must appreciate a good value.

Jay

Oy vey.

Manny

That's it. I'm getting Mother's Little Helper.

Phil

What?

Manny

My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.

Phil

This isn't an emergenc-

Phil

Now it is!

Gloria

[Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!

Gloria

Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!

Manny

I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

Jay

I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

Gloria

That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.