Mitchell Pritchett quotes from Modern Family

Mitchell

[To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

Mitchell

[To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!

Mitchell

[To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!

Mitchell

I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I’m not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong like I had said, “Dad, I’m gray”

Mitchell

[To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell

It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...

Cameron

Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.

Mitchell

Yeah, but Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.

Cameron

No, I don't.

Mitchell

Okay, your nephew's first birthday.

Cameron

That's not fair.

Mitchell

You brought a wind machine.

Cameron

To be fair, my vision was--

Mitchell

Cameron, you brought a wind machine.

Cameron

Who puts wheels on cribs?

Cameron

So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Mitchell

No.

Cameron

Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

Claire

Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

Cameron

Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.

Mitchell

Thanks, Cam.

Claire

Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell

Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire

Yeah, 21 years ago...

Mitchell

Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

Claire

Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell

Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Jay

[After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.

Mitchell

You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?

Jay

Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.

Manny

If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!

Cameron

Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.

Mitchell

Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.

Cameron

I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.

Mitchell

Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Cameron

[Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.

Mitchell

Five hours of this.

Cameron

[In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!

Mitchell

[talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.

Cameron

I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Cameron

[speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.

Mitchell

Cam, did you just sell our baby?

Mitchell

[reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."

Cameron

Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.

Cameron

Every time we meet a new friend, they say one thing you don't like and you just write them off.

Mitchell

I do not!

Cameron

Oh, really? What about "But Yet Rachel"?

Mitchell

[mocking her] "I'd love to go but... yet... I don't feel like parking." It's either "but" or "yet"... not both.

Cameron

You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.

Mitchell

[about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.

Cameron

[to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl!

Mitchell

Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua.