Phil Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Phil

I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laughing out loud. OMG: Oh my God. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so..

Phil

[To Dylan-Haley's boyfriend] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"

Phil

I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh- I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it's because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods- but who knows?

Phil

Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I'm betting these babies [points to fake moustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say... that guy is high.

Phil

What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes that walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings? He can fly...

Phil

I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil

[After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.

Phil

[confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Phil

"We like to think we are so smart, and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children, but if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is it's kind of crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life."

Phil

[on sex] It's like your shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

Claire

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil

Buddy, uncool.

Claire

That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil

We were serious about that?

Claire

Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke

I'm so sorry!

Claire

Liar. Go.

Phil

He's got a birthday party.

Alex

What's more important here, dad?

Claire

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil

I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex

What about 3:00?

Claire

No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil

Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Phil

[To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!

Haley

A what?

Phil

I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Jay

No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.

Phil

Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug...creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Claire

You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.

Phil

[Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Phil

[upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.

Claire

You don't like it?

Phil

Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.