Haley Dunphy-Marshall quotes from Modern Family

Phil

[To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!

Haley

A what?

Phil

I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Alex

Did you draw on my poster?

Haley

Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

Alex

I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.

Haley

Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair.

Alex

That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Haley

Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

Claire

Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley

Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire

Thank you.

Luke

You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil

Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire

And thank you.

Claire

Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.

Haley

Tell him I'm pregnant.

Claire

[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay

Really?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You?

Claire

[changes tone] Yes.

Jay

Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Haley

Oh my god, what?!

Alex

You were arrested?

Luke

Awesome!

Claire

Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay

: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire

Dad...

Claire

Where'd you go?

Alex

Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

Haley

Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?

Claire

Alex, did you do that?

Alex

You got a text?

Haley

Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!

Alex

This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!

Claire

Haley, did you say that to her?

Haley

Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!

Alex

I'm never going back to school now.

Claire

No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -

Alex

What?! You read my texts?!

Haley

You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!

Alex

You made her talk to me?!

Claire

I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.

Alex

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!

Haley

Were you?

Claire

Oh.

Haley

Were you?! I highly doubt it!

Claire

What the hell is that?

Haley

What? You told me to put on an old costume.

Claire

Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.

Haley

Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.

Claire

Are you kidding me?

Haley

What? I am her back then when she was hot.

Claire

I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

Alex

I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Alex

Where are we?

Haley

The boys' locker room.

Alex

It smells like feet.

Haley

That's not feet.

Haley

What just happened?

Alex

You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Haley

Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

Alex

This is not the time for moral equivocation.

Haley

Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Alex

You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

Haley

All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

Alex

Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

Haley

[scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!