Claire Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Claire

[About Manny] Our son is not weird. What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

Claire

Women in their thirties on the Internet, they're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil

Buddy, uncool.

Claire

That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil

We were serious about that?

Claire

Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke

I'm so sorry!

Claire

Liar. Go.

Phil

He's got a birthday party.

Alex

What's more important here, dad?

Claire

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil

I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex

What about 3:00?

Claire

No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil

Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Cameron

So there's no part of you that wants to clear the air with your sister?

Mitchell

No.

Cameron

Okay, fine. That's your family's way, I'll respect that. But you should know it's hard on the people who love you. We feel the tension, we hear the words that cut like knives.

Claire

Hey guys! I brought orange slices.

Cameron

Okay. You know what, I can't bear this. Claire, Mitchell still resents you for quitting the figure skating team when you were kids. [to Alex and Haley] Ladies, come inside with me please. [to Claire and Mitchell] Work it out. Come on.

Mitchell

Thanks, Cam.

Claire

Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell

Okay ... no ... yes. Okay, yes. I guess I'm still a little angry, but you know--you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire

Yeah, 21 years ago...

Mitchell

Okay, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and...

Claire

Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell

Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire

You're impossible to buy for! You never want anything.

Phil

[Confessional] Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks... I love my wife, but she sucks at giving gifts. I'm sorry for the pay-channel language, but- oh! Yogurt maker! I can't not think of things I want.

Phil

[upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.

Claire

You don't like it?

Phil

Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.

Claire

Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.

Phil

One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.

Claire

Phil's problem is follow-through.

Phil

We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Claire

Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.

Phil

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Claire

"Clive", I have a little something for you.

Phil

What is it?

Claire

[tosses something at Phil] My dress.

Phil

Oh..

Claire

My bra.

Phil

Oh my...

Claire

My underwear.

Phil

My god!

Claire

Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs.

Phil

This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.

Claire

Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley

Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire

Thank you.

Luke

You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil

Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire

And thank you.

Phil

Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.

Claire

You think I smother our children?

Phil

It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?

Alex

[Enters the car] Hey mom-

Claire

That was 20 minutes.

Alex

Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.

Claire

Oh honey, why so sweet?

Alex

Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.

Claire

Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!

Alex

Oh my gosh!

Claire

Yeah, that's right!

Alex

Thanks mom!

Claire

Go on, have a great time!

Claire

[Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.

Claire

Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.

Haley

Tell him I'm pregnant.

Luke

[Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?

Claire

Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.

Phil

Incredible game.

Claire

Yeah.

Luke

Mom, you look really pretty.

Claire

Thank you sweetheart.

Luke

So, what happened?

Phil

Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-

Luke

I mean, what happened in the game?

Phil

[After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Claire

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Phil

Which is why we don't hide anything.

Claire

That is the opposite of what I just said.

Phil

I was not listening.