Gloria Pritchett quotes from Modern Family

Gloria

I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn't want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]

Gloria

I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Gloria

The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!

Manny

[after being pull out of class] Is something wrong? Who's died?

Gloria

No one, Manny.

Jay

Why would you even think that?

Gloria

In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Gloria

Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.

Jay

But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.

Manny

At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

Jay

How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Hey, you're not leaving are you?

Manny

I've got school.

Wha-?! School!

Gloria

Yeah, school. That's where people go to learn things like not to keep children up all night!

[points at Manny while facing Jay] He told her?

Jay

He's weak.

Well, listen. You told me that you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.

Jay

I know but I kinda got work-

Pssh, work!

Manny

Go, Jay!

Gloria

Yes, go Jay and take Manny with you too!

Manny

Okay!

Gloria

NO, MANNY! IN THE CAR OR I PUT YOU IN THE TRUNK!

Jay

[about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy's hilarious.

Gloria

OK, tell me one of his jokes.

Jay

Well, he doesn't do jokes.

Gloria

Does he have a mallet?

Jay

No.

Gloria

So then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay

He doesn't get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Gloria

Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay

Oh, for God's sake.

Jay

Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria

No I didn't.

Jay

It's a joke.

Gloria

I don't get it.

Jay

Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria

Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Gloria

The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.

Jay

Poor kid.

Gloria

I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.

Jay

But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.

Jay

I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria

Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.

Gloria

Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?

Manny

No its "I-E".

Gloria

Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.

Manny

I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Gloria

Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.

Jay

Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.

Gloria

You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.

Jay

Because I babied it.

Gloria

You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.

Jay

Who, God? Me and God are good.

Gloria

How would you know?

Jay

Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.

Gloria

Are you gonna go to church next week?

Jay

We'll see.

Gloria

I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.

Jay

I'm done with church.

Gloria

Don't say that!

Jay

You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.

Gloria

I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them!

Jay

And left the car.

Gloria

[to Jay and Manny, about learning to ride a bike] You two have fun. I pass. It makes no sense. There's no reason that thing should stay upright.

Jay

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Claire

So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay

Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell

[to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire

Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay

What!?!

Mitchell

No my god!!

Claire

Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay

What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

Jay

Don't say it.

Gloria

[slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire

Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay

She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Jay

Honey, I love you, but you have to learn to say no to people.

Gloria

All right. Ask me if you can go golfing.

Jay

Other people.