Luke Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Claire

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil

Buddy, uncool.

Claire

That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil

We were serious about that?

Claire

Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke

I'm so sorry!

Claire

Liar. Go.

Phil

He's got a birthday party.

Alex

What's more important here, dad?

Claire

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.

Phil

I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

Alex

What about 3:00?

Claire

No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.

Phil

Yeah, I guess that works for me. [Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.] Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Claire

Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley

Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire

Thank you.

Luke

You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil

Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire

And thank you.

Luke

[Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?

Claire

Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.

Phil

Incredible game.

Claire

Yeah.

Luke

Mom, you look really pretty.

Claire

Thank you sweetheart.

Luke

So, what happened?

Phil

Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-

Luke

I mean, what happened in the game?

Phil

[After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Claire

[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay

Really?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You?

Claire

[changes tone] Yes.

Jay

Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Haley

Oh my god, what?!

Alex

You were arrested?

Luke

Awesome!

Claire

Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay

: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire

Dad...

Luke

I don't feel well.

Claire

Did you finish your milkshake?

Luke

I think that's the problem.

Phil

Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke

She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil

She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.

Alex

Offensive Line.

Phil

Sorry, African-American kid.

Phil

Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.

Luke

The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.

Phil

Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.

Luke

Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.

Phil

You mean, a real Head Scratcher?

Hahahahahahhaha.

Phil

TM.

Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

Alex Dunphy

You're the one who tries to read.

Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!

Alex Dunphy

Seriously, Hayley, you think you are the coolest person ever!

Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?!

Alex Dunphy

Look at me! I'm so cool! (The girls kept arguing until Luke stops it.)

Luke Dunphy

[Enraged] ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU 2 FIGHTING ALL THE TIME! YOU'RE A BAD BIG SISTER, AND YOU'RE A BAD LITTLE SISTER! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.