Alex quotes from Misfits

Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?

Alex

Well, it must have been weird for you.

It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.

Alex

Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.

So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]

I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.

So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.

[Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]

All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.

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[Following Jess] What are you doing?

I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.

You can't keep somebody else's baby.

What, you don't think I can look after it?

No, to be honest with you, not really.

Why would you even want another woman's baby?

[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.

What, are you like an orphan?

No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.

D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.

Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat

Alex

[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]

[To Alex and Jess] You all right?

Look at 'em. The happy couple.

Just forget about her.

I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.

[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?

What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?

He's got both, like a worm?

Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.

Are you sure about this?

Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.

[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?

Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.

So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.

Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]

Come on, mate. Eh?

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Alex

[Walks past Jess on bench] I can't believe you fucking told them!

Told them what? Alex!

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Alex

[Opens door to Mark] This better be good.

MMark

I know where it is. I know who's got your cock. [Alex looking over photograph in apartment] Apparently, she just turned up one night with a cock. No surgery, nothing.

Alex

What's her name?

MMark

She calls herself James. She hangs around in the karaoke bar on the estate.

Alex

[Hands over bundle of cash] There's half. You get the rest when I get it back.

MMark

[Alex picks up a gun] What are you doing? You never said anything about hurting anyone! [Shoves Alex]

Alex

Don't try and stop me! [Strikes Mark on head with gun knocking him out]

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[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?

Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?

Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?

He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.

We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.

Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.

Alex

Where is she? Where has she gone?

[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.

Is that the probation worker?

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Alex

[Pointing gun at James abdomen] Get it out! I want to see it!

JJames

I don't know what you're talking about!

Alex

Get your dick out right now! [James whips out Alex's penis] That's mine! You stole it from me, you piece of shit!

JJames

Look, I had to, there was no other way.

Alex

I swear to God, it better be okay. If I find out you've been putting it anywhere that you shouldn't have been...

JJames

It's not about that, it's not about sex.

Alex. Look at me. Let's just calm down, yet? I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up everything you've already got.

JJames

[Holds shattered bottle to Alex's penis] Right, drop the gun or I'll do it. I'll fucking cut it.

Alex

Don't you fucking dare!

JJames

I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. You've got five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One... [Alex points gun at head]

What are you doing?!

Alex

I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. You're all laughing at me. I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything. And I can't live without my cock. I don't wanna live like this any more.

JJames

[Drops bottle on ground] Oh, don't. Just... Look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just did what I had to do. 'Cause all my life, it's all I've wanted. I don't want it. Not like this. [James inserts hand into Alex's pants and returns his penis]

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Alex

I think it's bigger. Like maybe the whole... swapping thing... stretched it.

Well, I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. You probably have a lot to talk about.

Alex

It's definitely longer.

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[Talking to Alex] Okay... I'll see you later. [Walks away]

She seems nice.

Alex

She's a friend.

Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.

Alex

Do yourself a favour. Mind your own fuckin' business. [Walks up porch steps]

Maybe I'll make it my business. Maybe... I should go into the business of making your business... my business, and... and then we'll see whose b... business it is. [Alex jerks head forward startling Finn, then Alex chuckles and walks away]

Alex

Pfff.

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Alex

[Opens door to Jess holding a beer bottle] I- I- I thought you were on your community service.

We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun. Some other evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner. [Referring to beer] You got another one of those?

[From bedroom] Alex. [Jess walks past Alex]

Alex

Jess.

You fucking prick.

Who's she?

I thought I was his girlfriend.

Alex

I'm... I'm sorry. [Reaches for her hand]

Don't fucking touch me! [Shoves, walks past and slaps Alex]

Alex

Jess.

You've got a girlfriend?! Yeah, you're so full of shit!

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Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.

That doesn't even mean anything.

Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.

No. Didn't do anything for me either.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.

You're not a wolf. You're a slut.

I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.

You like me?

Alex

[Comes in front door] Jess.

Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.

Alex

I'm sorry.

What did you do to her?

Alex

You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?

Just fuck off!

You heard her! Go!

Alex

Seriously, get out my face.

[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!

I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.

Why don't you just fuck off?

Alex

Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]

Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!

Alex

Jess. Stop. Jess.

You should just choose which one you want to be with.

Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!

[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]

No.

What's that?

It's them.

Who?

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Seriously?

Nadine

When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.

So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?

I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?

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[In community centre] Shit! He's cut me! I'm dying!

Alex

It's just a graze, man!

Oh' What' so YOU'RE a doctor now?!

Shut up!

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Alex

[Hiding in locker room] I'm sorry.

You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.

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Alex

[In abandoned market stalls] Would you stop sniffing that scarf?

There's something about the smell of her. I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her. She's like Cinderella.

Alex

This Cinderella, did you shag her?

What? No.

Alex

Cinderella, like in the fairy tale. Pumpkin. Fairy godmother. She had a glass slipper.

TTara

[Hits her vehicle with purse] Fucking start, you piece of shit!

No, wait, it's you!

TTara

You're the monkey-cheese guy! Why are you looking at me like that?

Because you know my dad, don't you?

TTara

[Sitting on bench] He split in two? There's two of him?

You got the shitty end of the stick, mate. Well, the shitty end of the dad.

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[Community servers are scraping off flypostings on a wall]

What's up with you?

I think the probation worker fancies me.

Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!

I'm serious. I... I think he's in love with me. You should see the way he looks at me with his... with his hungry eyes.

Alex

Was he looking at you like this? 'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat.

Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.

Oh, dear God!

Just snapped it off.

Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.

You don't underst...

Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times. It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.

I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or... it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.

Alex

So what did you do with it?

Ate it.

Alex

Oh, God!

Fuck me!

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[Appears in locker room] Hi.

Have you been drinking? Is that allowed?

It's the magic hour. I am no longer your probation worker. You are no longer on community service. [Walks to Finn with him walking backwards] We're just two people. With hopes. And dreams. [Starts singing The Power of Love (Frankie Goes to Hollywood song)]

[Greg following him in hallway] You've got it all wrong. I look gay. But I'm not.

Some would say dangerously boyish.

We are not lovers! There is no entwined, divine, divine!

[Follows Finn up stairs] Love is losing your job and your pension. Think. Think about that. [Pops open a shirt button]

What?

[Backs Finn against a wall] I am so full of love. I won't hide it any more. I can't. It's seeping out of me. [Leans into Finn] Out of my pores. It's... it's beautiful. It's pure. Smell my love.

Fuck off! [Uses power to send Greg flying over railing of upper floor in atrium, looks over] Are you okay? [Calls phone] Jess? It's me. I'm at the Community Centre. And there's a situation. So we're gonna need your car to move the situation. Call me.

[Walks in with Alex outstretched hand to Greg's body] What the...?! Finlay, what the fuck?! What've you done?! [Outstretches hands in dismay]

Nothing.

Alex

Did you kill the probation worker?!

No. And yes. It was self-defence. I told you he fancied me, but did yous listen? No! [Points] This is all on you!