Rudy One quotes from Misfits

[Being chased by Killer White Rabbit Man in hallway and eludes it narrowly in elevator pushing out its weapon golf club] Piss off, rabbit bastard!

[Standing in washroom with pants still pulled down and genitals tucked away] Ohh. I don't think he noticed. Think we got away with it. anyway- [Jess enters washroom and walks up to Rudy] oh, I'm sorry. I'm s... I'm s-s-sorry! I'm sorry! [Jess walks up to Rudy and punches him in abdomen] Uh! Oh! [Groans] Oh, this is a definite low point, man I can't...

[Doing prayer in front of washroom mirror] It's... It's me, Rudy, Lord. I... I just want you to know that I'm gonna take good care of her and... God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her. For I am a sheep. And you're a shepherd. And... a sheep... always keeps his promises. So, amen. Oh, and if you could do anything about me bowels an' all, please, that would be very much appreciated, as I am shitting elephants. Amen. Fuck.

Oh, honestly, bloody hell! What a strange and unpredictable world we all bloody live in!

Simon

[Talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?

No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?

Seth

[Talking about Finn and Jess] They show up here the day after we get the briefcase. They're not on Community Service. It's bullshit.

I'm all over it. Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker. It turns out that I'm quite the actor.

Jess

[Watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?

I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.

Jess

Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?

It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.

Jess

Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.

They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker. [Walks away] Shit! [Walks in other direction] Just put that back on there. Safety is very important. [Places fire extinguisher in corner and it falls over] That's...poor craftsmanship, that is.

[Laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.

Finn

What are?

Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.

Finn

What's wrong with these?

[In a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.

Finn

Will there be a buffet?

Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.

Finn

Well, they aren't chinos so...

They are chinos.

Finn

[Sees Jess] Hiya. You all right?

All right? Are you ready for the carnage?

Jess

What you on about?

Oh, you'll see. You'll see what I'm on about. [Chuckles with a raised index finger]

Jess

Are we going to this party, or what?

Yeah. [They walk away]

Start working on your friggin' digits, mate.

Finn

That is a mark of honor. It shows I'm a good person.

Do you know... all right, here we go. All right, here's a graph, [makes hand motions referring to an x/y graph] all right? And down the bottom, it says "niceness", and down the side, it says "number of times I've ejaculated inside a real human woman," right? [Points at Finn] And your friggin' graph, dude, is doing this. Are you watching? Boom! All right? Do you understand what I'm saying?

Finn

I don't care about numbers. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.

Yeah, right. See her, there? She is never gonna respect you while you got that on your head, you moron!

Finn

You're wrong. Because she respects people with morals. People who actually stand up for something. And I reckon... tonight's the night.

Do you? All right. So while you're just... [makes hand motions] jerking off... into a wet flannel, like a stinky little Hobbit bitch, I'm gonna be joining the Hundreds Club, all right? [Picks up a cup at a bar to a woman] Here we go, here we go. Hello, I'm Rudy, how you doing? I'll be your waiter for the evening. I'll get you a white wine spritzer, that's for you.

Why've you got 99 on your head?

Mm, very interesting story about that. If you'd like to come to the bedroom with me, I'll just explain it all. It's very interesting.

All right. [She walks away with Rudy]

Finn

Fuck off!

[On top of Rudy kissing him passionately] Hmm... Purr!

No... stop it...! Knock it off! [Pushes Carrie off him] Sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just not really feeling it!

Well, it's just if it's going to be me centenary fuck, it's gotta be summat special, hasn't it? You know what I mean? Something a bit magical. It's got to be something I can tell me grand kids when they run around me ankles, you know what I mean?

You're a prick.

Shit, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but you know what, love, it doesn't change the fact... what was that? There's something in that cupboard. All right. It's all right, um... [picks up a mug and practices using it as a weapon] Imagine that! [opens cupboard to discover Richard]

Richard

The white rabbit!

It's him, it's Saunders, he's here! What you doing in there?

Richard

He's coming for us, he's out there! The white rabbit's coming!

[Mimics Richard] Oh, this is classic Saunders, this is, trippin' his friggin' balls off! What have you taken?! It won't mean anything to you, this, right, but I'm tellin' you, this is bloody vintage... vintage Saunders!

Richard

The white rabbit! R -R- Rabbit! White rabbit!

[Attempting to decide on a woman in party] No! Hello! Would you? Fucking unbelievable! No!

Oh! Who is that fuckin' guy?

No! Sorry! It's not happening! Shit! [Gets woman's attention] Ooh, hey! You're all right. What's your name?

Holly.

Yeah?

Why've you got a 99 on your head?

That's how aroused I am out of 100. I'm gonna let you know if you get down to final three, yeah? [Finn joins him] Just conducting a little field study, eh? Trying to make a short list for the Miss 100, aren't I?

Finn

Right.

[Observes Jess talking to Alex] You're sulking cos you've been blown out the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?

Finn

He's not sexy!

He's quite sexy!

Finn

Okay, he's quite sexy! He's got the whole... face thing going on. But... so what?

D'you know, I think the best thing you can do right now, let's just find someone else and make her jealous.

Finn

Maybe you're right.

Course I'm right. Uncle Rudy were born right, mate, 99. Let's do this. Come on, little man.

[Motions to a deeply inebriated woman] Right, there we go! Right, that's a freebie! Pudding is served!

Finn

I can't. She... She's wasted.

Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It's a bloody loophole is what it is. [Makes gesture] Right, this is your loophole here. You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole. Do you understand me?

Finn

Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking drunk girls.

[Chuckles] Really, Finlay? Really?

Finn

Yes.

Shit. Right... Right, well, in that case, drink up. Come on.

Finn

Where are we going?

You're not gonna get laid here, man. You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are, frankly.

Finn

Are we going back to the funeral?

Yeah, we're going back to the funeral, come on. [Steps out in hallway over Abbey passed out with Finn fixated on her] Yeah, mate. Eh, I think she's the one for you, ain't she?

Finn

Do you think she's all right?

Yeah, man, I think she looks really nice.

Finn

I think we should move her.

No, leave her, she's peaceful.

Finn

Let's put her inside. Grab her legs.

Fuck's sake! One, two, three... [carrying Abbey into party's apartment] everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through! We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic! Excuse me... can you open that door?

[Opens bathroom door] Cheers, dude, nice one. [Rudy and Finn carry Abbey into bathroom]

Good God, man! You all right there? All right, mate? Yeah. Up we go! Now. [Puts Abbey in bathtub and Finn places a rolled up towel under Abbey's head] Christ! Come on... What are you doing?!

Finn

Just making her comfortable!

Fuckin' idiot!

[Back at funeral wake observing women] Some of these are very vulnerable, mate, right? You know, they're weak, bit delicate. It's time for some sweet, sweet bereavement pussy. Hmm! Ooooh!

Finn

I dunno about this.

'Course you don't. That's why you're still on that, innit?

Finn

Please stop flicking me.

Get your game face on. Hmm? Come on. Step up to the plate.

Finn

Hi, I'm Finn.

You've got something in your teeth.

Finn

[Reaches in mouth] Oh. [She walks away]

[Walks up to Nadine] It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.

Nadine

Mmm.

Finn

Tell you what, puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it?

Nadine

Yeah

Finn

Mmm. Actually, no. It doesn't. I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.

Ohh... Er... can I interest you in a dry sherry? [Nadine breaks out sobbing] What's the matter with you? Oi! Why are you getting upset?

Nadine

She was a good person. I'm gonna miss her.

Let me sort you out. Um... [grabs a napking] an I just take that, mate? Cheers. Sorry, dude. [Hands her napkin] There you are. Thank you. It's all right. You're probably gonna feel like this for a really long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realize that when you think about her, it's... it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of... just instead of it being so sad. I just think that's when you know you're all right. [Chuckles] You're right. It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral. Yes, I suppose it'd be... So... bit disrespectful if we were all... downing shots of vodka and getting nude. [Nadine laughs]

Nadine

Thank you.

That's all right.

Nadine

You've... You've cheered me up.

No worries.

Nadine

Can I ask... why have you got a number on your head?

Oh. It's a long story, really, that one. Very long.

Nadine

Nadine.

Oh, I'm Rudy. Sorry.

Nadine

How? How come I didn't see you at the funeral?

Er, I was, er, working.

Nadine

Where do you work?

At the community centre. Yeah, I'm a caretaker there. I like to give a bit back to to community, to kids...

Nadine

That's nice.

Mmm. Can I get you a drink, then?

Nadine

Yeah... okay.

Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine. Two dry sherries coming right this way.

Nadine

[Glances at clock] Is that the right time?

Eh?

Nadine

I have to go.

No, don't go. Please don't. I wasn't hitting on you. I wasn't, if that's what you thi... But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos... you're beautiful. It's... The numbers, though, they don't mean anything. And... And the 100 thing, I- I don't give a shit about, so... just stay and have a drink.

Nadine

It's been really nice meeting you.

Don't go. [Nadine leaves party] What? What the fuck was that?

You all right? How's it going?

Finn

It isn't.

I just met this girl who's really nice... and... different.

Finn

Great. I'm... I'm made up for you. You've finally found Miss 100. Maybe we should throw a little ceremony when you shag her, you know, bit of... bit of confetti...

Mmm.

Finn

Nice little trophy, ye-eah!

No. Wasn't like that. Wasn't like that. It was... it was something else, wasn't it? I've not... I never got her number. [Walks away]

Finn

[To self] Are we okay to mix sweet and savoury? It's just, I'm never sure.

I think you'll be okay. [Finn turns to her] You have nice eyes. [Bites into pickle]