Alex[Preparing to bury Greg whose body is in a wheelchair] Do you want to say a few words?
Er... thanks for the memories. [Dumps Greg's body into hole who groans awake with Rudy whacking Greg with shovel and falling back onto dirt heap] What are you doing?!
I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn?!
Alex
Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then?!
Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse!
[Jumps into hole then calls phone] Jess? I found the situation.
I'm sitting on the situation.
What situation are you talking about?
The probation worker situation.
The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?
He tried to fuck me. So I accidentally killed him. At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now... he might actually be dead. [Greg groans awake] No, he isn't! He's alive! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation?
Right, good. Well, that's a start. Er...
You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.
[Brings up Abbey] Okay. [Pokes Abbey's mouth who vomits]
ARAged Rudy Two
[To Jess] Always liked you. It's raining. Your hair's so pretty... when it's wet. [Feels her hair]
Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.
I tell you what's happened here. The storm. This will be something to do with the storm.
Alex
Really?
Alex
You think so?
Alex
Well, thanks for the heads-up, [[w:Miss Marple|Miss Marple.
Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.
So, what does he need with a support group, anyway?
[Holds up tortoise] Um... Alex, will you do me a quick favour? Will you fuck my tortoise?
Alex
Um... just give me a minute to think about... that. Er... actually, I don't need a full minute. It's a no.
It's a man and his name's Mark. He's trapped in here and he can't get out.
Alex
That is really tragic.
Alex
But I'm still not fucking your tortoise.
You have no idea, do you? I found out what my power is and it's totally useless. There's nothing I can do to help anyone. But you... you can make a difference. You're the only one out of us who can actually change people's lives. And what are you doing about it? Nothing. It's just sat there in your pants. Use your power, Alex. Help people. Be a superhero. Fuck the tortoise, Alex.
Alex
So how does this girl's power work?
Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.
What did Finn say, has he found out about us?
No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.
Alex
Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?
Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.
Alex
[Walks out with Sarah sighing onto lakesides promenade] Relax. I am... I am not following you. I just came to get some air. Is that? Is that all right?
Be my guest. [Alex walks up to her] Sorry about the other day. It's just this year has been... a fucking nightmare, the power thing. I had to stop seeing my dad. He just couldn't stop staring at them.
Alex
Oh, shit, mate! Oh, I didn't even think about that! Nobody needs their dad staring at their tits, do they?
Alex
D'you wanna go and get a drink?
What kind of a drink? Like a date drink, or a drink drink?
Alex
Well, I was just thinking... a drink with alcohol in.
All right. But it isn't a date.
All right, fine. It's not a date.
Alex
My mate... he got turned into an agent of Satan and I had to fuck him in the arse.
Alex
Yeah. Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.
So, you do draw the line at shagging animals? Good to know.
Alex
Er, so, you, are you... seeing anyone... at the moment, or?
Well, when I had my power, it was kinda hard to tell the good guys from the wankers and there have been a lot of wankers.
Alex
Yeah.
[Unbuttons her sweater] Problem?
Alex
Oh, God! Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Er, it's just now that I know I'm not supposed to look at them... all I want to do is look at them. You know when you see a dead cat in the road and you don't want to look at it but then the more that you try and stop yourself, the more that you can't help it?
Okay. Well, urn, how about I give you one free look, then? Seeing as you took my power.
Alex
That would... That would be great.
Alex
Awesome. So shall I compliment you on them?
Let's just leave the tits, shall we? [Gets her drink] Same again? [Walks away]
Alex
Hm. Hm...
MMark
[Walking alongside Abbey] So, this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.
More or less. [Enters locker room] No, let's check the, er... [sees Sarah in front of her, to Mark] Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits. [To Sarah] Your devil tits don't work on me. I'm a girl.
Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out, then. [Turns Mark into a skinless corpse] Now I've got your full attention... Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus...
Alex
[Appears behind Sarah] So this has been a pretty weird date. [She turns around] Not that it's a date.
[Finn and Rudy enter] Leave him. He's mine. What's the matter, Alex? Don't you trust yourself? What's going to happen if you... have a little look? It's just a pair of tits. And you're one of the good guys, remember? You're not some weak, pathetic animal who's ruled by his urges.
Alex
There was a girl I used to know. Emma. She was like you. She was a good person who just got the wrong power. She was accident prone. Wasn't her fault. It was just bad things used to happen to her. I'm so sorry, Sarah. You didn't deserve any of this.
Oh... I get it. I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin. Any other bright ideas? [Ceiling fluorescent light bar becomes disattached and comes down on her head] Agh!
I like the idea of being a nurse. Or a shepherd.
Alex
What qualifications do you need to be a shepherd?
You need a crop. Well-trained border collie, and a profound love of sheep, love.
Alex
I'll tell you where I'm not gonna be in a year's time, and that is working behind a bar.
I, for one, will be enjoying my life [pulls out a scratch card out of his pocket] as a multi-millionaire!
[Walks in wearing pajamas] Do you know, what I was doing, when you so... rudely interrupted me?
Alex
I'm guessing it wasn't showering?
I was 19. And a half hours into a Murder She Wrote marathon.
Alex
She's in the shitter. She said something about some bloke who's thrown her forward through time. [Rudy is sobbing]
[Crying] I'm fine. I'm fine. So, the worm's returned, [moving his finger like a worm] with her fucking bushy tail between her legs. It's too late, guys. It's too late. Because I've forgot about her very existence. [Crying again] She's back! Jessica's back. Oh, man. [Collapses on the floor crying]
Oh, about the future, I've just been.
Erm... You are holding a golf sale sign, for a golf sale that doesn't exist. [Points at Alex] You're still working behind the bar. [Looks at Finn] And you are a trainee probation worker.
Honest- Shame on you, Finley! Deep humiliating shame. [Back to Jess] I'm a multimillionaire, aren't I? [she starts to speak] Got 'em! No, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise. Wink twice, for yes.
You win a quid, piss yourself and then you get electrocuted.
I'm just saying, unless we want to spend the rest of our lives as these underachieving fuck-ups, then maybe we should think about actually doing something with our powers.
What you mean, like, open up a fast food restaurant?
No, I mean like becoming proper superheroes. Good ones that do good shit.
Alex
Superheroes, I'm up for that.
I might have to make a few modifications. Just on me costume... just on account of me- I've got irritable bowel syndrome. And shitting in lycra is how I got banned from the gym.
No offence, but you lot... Superheroes? Fuck it! All right, yeah, let's do it.
This could be the start of something huge. I can feel it in me nut sack.
Misfits · 556 quotes
