WWoman
You've got something in your teeth.
[Reaches in mouth] Oh. [She walks away]
[Walks up to Nadine] It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.
NadineMmm.
Tell you what, puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it?
Nadine
Yeah
Mmm. Actually, no. It doesn't. I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.
Ohh... Er... can I interest you in a dry sherry? [Nadine breaks out sobbing] What's the matter with you? Oi! Why are you getting upset?
Nadine
She was a good person. I'm gonna miss her.
Let me sort you out. Um... [grabs a napking] an I just take that, mate? Cheers. Sorry, dude. [Hands her napkin] There you are. Thank you. It's all right. You're probably gonna feel like this for a really long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realize that when you think about her, it's... it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of... just instead of it being so sad. I just think that's when you know you're all right. [Chuckles] You're right. It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral. Yes, I suppose it'd be... So... bit disrespectful if we were all... downing shots of vodka and getting nude. [Nadine laughs]
Nadine
Thank you.
Nadine
You've... You've cheered me up.
Nadine
Can I ask... why have you got a number on your head?
Oh. It's a long story, really, that one. Very long.
Nadine
Nadine.
Nadine
How? How come I didn't see you at the funeral?
Nadine
Where do you work?
At the community centre. Yeah, I'm a caretaker there. I like to give a bit back to to community, to kids...
Nadine
That's nice.
Mmm. Can I get you a drink, then?
Nadine
Yeah... okay.
Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine. Two dry sherries coming right this way.
Nadine
[Glances at clock] Is that the right time?
Nadine
I have to go.
No, don't go. Please don't. I wasn't hitting on you. I wasn't, if that's what you thi... But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos... you're beautiful. It's... The numbers, though, they don't mean anything. And... And the 100 thing, I- I don't give a shit about, so... just stay and have a drink.
Nadine
It's been really nice meeting you.
Don't go. [Nadine leaves party] What? What the fuck was that?
Nadine
Why wouldn't I be?
You were kind of out of it. We... We found you out in the hallway.
Nadine
Right. You the one that put me in the toilet?
Yeah, I- I... I felt bad just leaving you there like that.
Nadine
Didn't touch me up or anything while you were moving me? Bit of the old side boob?
Nadine
Then why are my knickers on inside out?
[Slaps Finn's head] You...!
I- I- I didn't do anything. I didn't.
Nadine
Tell that to the judge.
Oh, my God. I never... [splutters]
I'm joking. [She and Rudy One laugh] Hey!
Nadine
No. No, th... Thanks a lot.
Anyway, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Yeah. [Grabs Finn and pulls him away]
Nadine
Have a good night.
Nice one. [To Alex] Hey, come on, drink up. We're goin'.
Because there's a giant white rabbit out there who's wearing a suit, he's got a golf club, and he's... goin' round killing people.
What is wrong with you both? It's just a fucking rabbit! I told you!
I told you he was out there.
The white rabbit. I said he was coming for us.
Richard, did you do this? Is this your rabbit, mate?
I haven't done any in a while. I didn't think it was gonna happen again.
The storm. I dropped some acid and it got bad. It got really fucking bad.
[Leans into Richard] Mate, did you shit yourself? Dude, did you shit yourself? This hallucination... shat himself.
The white rabbit, it's become real!
Hang on a minute, so you've taken acid, there's now a giant white rabbit with a golf club and no-one's shat themselves, that's good.
I thought she was with you.
She... Well, we need to find her.
Nadine
[Leans into inebriated woman] There's a rabbit out there, a fucking big one, and he's got this girl... [turns off music player and party stops dancing and turns to her]
W2Woman 2
What you fuckin' doing, man?
Nadine
Okay... um... Sorry to break up this whole party thing, but I think I have something quite important to say. There's a white rabbit out there and he's fucking weird and... he's got this girl and she's unconscious, and I feel like maybe we should be doing something.
Nadine
You saw it too? Where did he take her?
He dragged her into the lift. She was bleeding. It looked pretty scary.
[Pushes elevator button] What the fuck's wrong with this thing?
Calm down, I'm sure she's okay.
Nadine
I dunno, mate. She looked in a pretty bad way.
[All go in elevator] Hang... Hang on! Whoa, whoa. Just stop, hang on. Hang on. We don't even know where he's taken her, do we? [Nadine wipes off blood of basement floor button] Eh? Oh, she's in the fucking basement. Brilliant.
[Lounging on rooftop] I can't stop thinking about her. I'm never gonna see her again.
Nadine
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
[Yeah, you're right. No. Ac... No, sorry, no. That's just... I think that's bullshit. I think that's just something people say when they can't think of anything else.
I shouldn't have done it. I was only trying to make her jealous and she didn't even notice.
[Rubs forehead] When d'you think it'll come off?
Soon. [Chuckles] Soon... probably. [Rudy, Finn and Nadine all drink their beer cans simultaneously]
So, what... Seriously, have you found me?
Nadine
You told me where you worked.
Yes, I did tell you where I... because it's the community centre, is where I am. Fucking caretaker of the community... Centre of the community. It's a thankless job, really. It's pre... It's pretty... It's pretty humble. I think it has its own... sort of quiet dignity to it, though.
Nadine
Anyway, do you feel okay?
Yeah, I'm all right. [Strainedly, does a-okay sign] I'm absolutely tiptop. Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos... Fuck! Uh! [Runs away]
It had a nun in it. And it was a great film, weren't it? [Clears throat] Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F... Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it. I'm getting... I'm an idiot.
Penguins. Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures. So... all right. [Does dance by Bert from Mary Poppins] Brrr! [Quacks] Happy Feet, innit? [Laughs]
It's just an 'abit. Habit! 'Cause you... no? Ohh. [Nun closes door to congregational room and Rudy sees Nadine, exhales] So. As it turns out, you're a nun. [Laughs] A... A nun. I'd have never seen that comin'. [Laughs]
Nadine
I wanted to tell you. I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing... what does that mean... for me and you, and... us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing, or...
Nadine
I've given myself to Jesus.
Y- Yeah. But... you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, 'cause... I'd settle for being your booty call!
Nadine
I can't see you again. I'm sorry.
It's... It's all right. So... I understand that's a good decision. I never meant for this to happen. It's all right. It's fine. It's Jesus. [Laughs] He's the Son of God. I'm just a dickhead. With a big mouth. And a bag, which is yours. You left it. I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh? [Hangs bag from a hand of outstretched arms of Jesus] She's all yours. Just be nice. She's special, this one.
Nadine
Rudy. [Stifles tears]
They should call it Sad Feet. [Walks away]
[To Nadine watching Rudy walk away] You must never see him again. It's too dangerous.
[At urinal, repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace. [To Rudy Two] Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these, you. Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins?
Because, dude, you're a twat! You're a miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly... do you honestly believe that God's gonna let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were gonna burn in hell.
Yeah, and I chose to ignore that. I'll tell you something right now, fella. Would it kill you to have a little bit of friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I I- I cannot get her out of me mind. It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
That's enough! Fuck, it's torture! Come on, let's just do it. Let's get it out the way. Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous. [Repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace.
Nadine
Rudy. Rudy?
Hail Marying worked. There is a friggin' God. See it up top there. [Holds up hand for high five with Rudy Two ignores]
Just... whatever. How's me hair? Is it all right? [Rudy Two reaches out which Rudy One swipes down] Just get off... No, get off, it's fine. Get in here, come on. She doesn't need to see this freak show. Come on.
No, I thought you were gonna be honest with her.
Ohh... D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't. I do not, not at all. Get in! [They morph singularly]
Nadine
Do you wanna hear a joke?
Nadine
What's black and white and red all over? [Pause] Nun in a blender. [They laugh]
Erm, all right. All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red?
Nadine
Nun killing a penguin.
Hey! Respect, mate! You know your nun jokes!
Nadine
All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cunt! Ahh. Shit.
Nadine
What?
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing. I'm... It's... nothing's... nothing's musty.
Nadine
Why would it be musty?
Urn... Probably... underuse... or just a lack of air circulation... resulting in... general mustiness.Forgive me, Father, I have... Love, I have sinned.
Nadine
I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
No, you... you don't understand. I... I've-I've... I've done terrible, horrible, vile things. I have had sexual relations with women up the... what do your nuns called the arse?
Nadine
The a... up the anus! Rudy.
I have had a... a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
Nadine
I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
No, you don't understand. I have... I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
Nadine
Don't.
I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner. I have violated myself with a fucking king-size... [Nadine grabs him in passionate kissing] Mars bar. I don't care. I don't care what you've done in your past. You've got a good heart. I promised myself to God. I was prepared to dedicate my life to him. I see things. Violence and cruelty and suffering. Sometimes I question his existence. Then I met you. I've never felt like this.
Nadine
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not... I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything. I'll share you with God. He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
Nadine
He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of week. How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella?
Nadine
I think he's cool with it.
That's settled, then. Forgive me, I'm gonna have to nip to the... What do... nuns call the toilet?
Nadine
They call it the toilet.
Nadine
You can talk how you normally talk.
Well... in that case, I'm gonna go for an enormous fucking shit.
Nadine
Let's stick to "toilet".
All right, no, fair enough. I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now, you know.
Nadine
Oh!
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
Nadine
No.
Nadine
It's them.
Nadine
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Nadine
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
Nadine
This is why we can never be together. It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart, listen, stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Don't say those things. We are gonna sort this out, we're gonna deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're gonna fix your power, then we are going on holiday, 'cause I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
Nadine
They're right.
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
Nadine
It's my fault. I brought them here.
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
Nadine
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
Nadine
I'm really glad I met you.
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
Misfits · 556 quotes
