Rudy One quotes from Misfits

Abbey

It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.

Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.

Abbey

[Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.

Jess

How'd you know it's a him?

Abbey

I don't know, just feels like a him.

I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.

Finn

No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?

What do you mean?

Finn

It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.

Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?

Finn

Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!

Jess

[Following Jess] What are you doing?

Abbey

I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.

Abbey

You can't keep somebody else's baby.

Abbey

What, you don't think I can look after it?

Finn

No, to be honest with you, not really.

Jess

Why would you even want another woman's baby?

Abbey

[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.

Jess

What, are you like an orphan?

Abbey

No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.

D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.

Abbey

Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat

Alex

[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]

[To Alex and Jess] You all right?

Finn

Look at 'em. The happy couple.

Abbey

Just forget about her.

Finn

I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.

[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?

Finn

What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?

Abbey

He's got both, like a worm?

Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.

Finn

Are you sure about this?

Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.

Finn

[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?

Finn

Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.

Abbey

So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.

Finn

Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]

Come on, mate. Eh?

[Walks into washroom to Finn at urinal] Mate, listen. I just... I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now. You know, the whole Jess thing?

Finn

Maybe I should just tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit.

Yeah, you're right. Of course I'm right. Oi. Check this out. Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses. [Pulls down jumpsuit with genitals tucked in legs] Who am I? [Imitates Alex] Ho-way! Y'all right? Oh, look at the state of that. I've got a lovely soft fanny. It's all soft and furry. Look at me little furry Virginia. Oh, it's like a little squirrels gone in there, give it a stroke. I want it to become my friend. I don't... Here he is! Big man. How you doing? You all ri... Oh. That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?

Abbey

Probation worker's looking me up on the system.

Finn

But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?

Abbey

I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.

All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!

So, what... Seriously, have you found me?

Nadine

You told me where you worked.

Yes, I did tell you where I... because it's the community centre, is where I am. Fucking caretaker of the community... Centre of the community. It's a thankless job, really. It's pre... It's pretty... It's pretty humble. I think it has its own... sort of quiet dignity to it, though.

Nadine

Anyway, do you feel okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. [Strainedly, does a-okay sign] I'm absolutely tiptop. Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos... Fuck! Uh! [Runs away]

What are you playing at, man? You're messing this up.

What, no, I'm not, dude. I'm trying... I'm trying.

You're not, you're being weird. What's all this? [Mockingly displays a-okay sign]

You know, honestly, I like this one. She's amazing.

Whoa, hey, whoa. What do you mean? What do you... What you on about, you fancy her or summat?

Yeah, think I do, yeah. Right, well, she's mine, so back off. You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal. Why don't you get it? This is the one girl we can both agree on. We could both be happy here.

This is why you can't afford to fuck this up.

Shit, man, help me out. I'm getting all nervous around her and...

Be straight with her, yeah? And no bullshit. You know, just for once in your life, you need to talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat.

[Nadine runs away from Rudy] Please don't go. Don't. Don't. Nadine. Fucking... Nadine!

Finn

How did it go?

It was amazing and then she's... she ran away... again. She left her bag. Shit!

Why does she keep running off, then?

Finn

Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.

Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!

Abbey

Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!

[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.

Finn

[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...

Jess

I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.

Finn

To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.

Jess

Why are you being such a prick?

Finn

Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.

Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?

Abbey

It's the werewolf thing, I told you.

Finn

Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.

[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.

Abbey

Ah. Yep. Looks like it.

Finn

I'm just gonna call her back.

What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?

Finn

[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.

Jess

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?

Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?

Jess

Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?

Abbey

He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.

Jess

We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.

Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.

Alex

Where is she? Where has she gone?

Greg

[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.

Abbey

Is that the probation worker?

Abbey

That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.

Greg

What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?

Finn

I like... I like karaoke, too.

Abbey

See you tomorrow, then.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]

Finn

What happened to the baby?

Abbey

I gave him back.

Jess

Are you okay?

Abbey

Fine.

Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?

Abbey

So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.

Finn

Where you going?

Abbey

That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.

Greg

[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?

[To Abbey scooping up dog shit] So, this is ironic, innit?

Abbey

Maybe it's meant to be. I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It's all part of some big cosmic plan.

Jess

[To Abbey] You just stepped in some dog shit!

Sound Of Music.go

What about it?

It had a nun in it. And it was a great film, weren't it? [Clears throat] Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F... Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it. I'm getting... I'm an idiot.

Nadine will see you now.

Penguins. Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures. So... all right. [Does dance by Bert from Mary Poppins] Brrr! [Quacks] Happy Feet, innit? [Laughs]

It's not funny.

It's just an 'abit. Habit! 'Cause you... no? Ohh. [Nun closes door to congregational room and Rudy sees Nadine, exhales] So. As it turns out, you're a nun. [Laughs] A... A nun. I'd have never seen that comin'. [Laughs]

Nadine

I wanted to tell you. I didn't know what to do.

Yeah, you and this nun thing... what does that mean... for me and you, and... us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing, or...

Nadine

I've given myself to Jesus.

Y- Yeah. But... you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, 'cause... I'd settle for being your booty call!

Nadine

I can't see you again. I'm sorry.

It's... It's all right. So... I understand that's a good decision. I never meant for this to happen. It's all right. It's fine. It's Jesus. [Laughs] He's the Son of God. I'm just a dickhead. With a big mouth. And a bag, which is yours. You left it. I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh? [Hangs bag from a hand of outstretched arms of Jesus] She's all yours. Just be nice. She's special, this one.

Nadine

Rudy. [Stifles tears]

They should call it Sad Feet. [Walks away]

[To Nadine watching Rudy walk away] You must never see him again. It's too dangerous.

[Praying at apartment window] The Lord... giveth... and your boy takes awayeth. Sometimes the... taking away feels a little bit... more than the giving, but...

Finn

[Enters] What you doing?

I am praying, dude. I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can... express my physical love for her in a... beautiful... union of our two genitals. [Does hand motions] Amen.

Finn

What, and God, he's taking these kind of requests, is he?

If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean?

Finn

I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun, it's not really something...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.

Finn

What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.

Yeah, well, don't say anything.

Finn

I'm not.

Well, that's good. 'Cause in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, but judge what he could have done if he was a different bloke altogether. "For art thou a leper... and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn."

Finn

I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".

That's the same difference.

Finn

No, it isn't.

It... It is. Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, 'cause I am gonna go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything... ever. What a sweet deal. Innit?

Finn

So when are you doing this, then, this... confessin'?

Lunchtime.

Greg

[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?

Abbey

Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.

Jess

Fuck you!

Abbey

He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.

Finn

Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?

Abbey

And him... He's in love with a nun.

I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!

Abbey

Which is always going to end up badly.

Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?

Greg

[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?

Abbey

I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.

Greg

You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.