Alisha Daniels quotes from Misfits

[Alisha bursts out of washroom] Are you alright?

Alisha

Fine.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm a really good listener.

View quote →

[Putting on his shirt in Alisha's room with her in bed] Right. Well. Didn't see this coming. It's just I, er... I don't usually do this kind of thing. I mean, I'm not saying you do. It's just... I don't remember us having sex. We had sex, right?

Alisha

Can you just go?

Yeah. [Leaves room]

View quote →

You think because you're beautiful you can treat people anyway you want?

Alisha

Yeah, that's pretty much how it works. Haven't you figured that out yet?

You're so messed up. And you don't even know it.

View quote →

[At vehicle boot] We're set. Let's go.

[Walks up to vehicle waving a disembodied human hand] Uh, hello? Don't you think you're forgetting something? [Throws hand onto windshield]

Alisha

Jesus!

Sorry.

View quote →

I like your cap. [Takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]

No! [Runs away in absolute embarassment]

What...

Did you know she was bald?

'Course not, twat. Jesus.

Alisha

She looked like an alien.

Ah, don't be mean. [Then admits laughing] She did, didn't she? A bald alien! Shh. I should probably try and find her. [Holds up cap and wig] You know.

Alisha

[To Simon] Can't you see we're trying to have an awkward conversation? Move! Go! [Simon leaves, then to Curtis] The sex wasn't that bad, was it?

You don't get it, do you? [Leaves]

Alisha

There's nothing wrong with me! You're the one with the problem!

View quote →

Alisha

[Walking through door to locker room] Oh, my God! That is such a shamer. [Sees Nathan reenacting sex scene with mimicking masturbation gestures]

Do you think he's told the others?

Bashing himself out of it.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he told 'em.

And she was totally clicking the mouse off herself, man.

No way!

They were just, like, really face-to-face. He was wanking, she was flicking her own bean, right in each other's face.

You should've filmed it.

Work that bean! Work that bean,

Kelly, my love! Oh! Er, hi.

Alisha

Shut up. You enjoyed it, you pervert. [To Simon] What? Do you want to have a look too?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Can I have another look?

Prick.

Alisha

Does anyone actually know what he got done for?

Says it was for eating pick 'n' mix.

That's bullshit.

Are you two, like, together?

Alisha

Yeah, I guess. It's weird, yeah? Cos of my bullshit power thing, we don't actually have proper sex. We just stare at each other and wank ourselves off. But it is really special.

[Using trash pick uppers to violate Simon] Come on. It's not gay 'cause we're not touching. All you want to do is get down to it and you can't, cos...

SSam

[Community servers walk out door and walks up to Nathan] Hi.

[Walking on] That's really disgusting.

It's not fucking disgusting.

When did you get out?

SSam

A few days ago. It's good to see you.

View quote →

[Sneaks up on Simon filming other community servers on steps] Pervert! What are you doing? [Snatches Simon's phone and films adjacently]

Give it back.

Come on, we'll do an interview. [Chuckles] First question. Have you ever had sex with a piece of fruit?

Give me my phone.

Second question. Was it a melon? [Simon lunges at Nathan wrestling back phone] Ah, he's trying to kiss me! He's trying to kiss me!

Just give it back!

Alisha

Give him his phone back, you prick.

Ow, stop hitting me! Have your little toy. [Flips v-sign] Melon-fucker!

View quote →

This is your chance to talk about community service.

Alisha

It's... bullshit.

So do you think that you have learned anything?

Yeah. Don't get caught.

Fine... how do you think you have changed?

I think I'm taller.

[Repeatedly] They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?

Alisha

[Answers phone] Ooh, hello?

[sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...

Alisha

You're fuckin' lying! [Laughs]

Do I look like I'm some kind of fuckin' knob? Do I?

It's not easy, being you, is it?

What do you mean?

I mean, how do you get along with the others? It must be hard. You're not like them. You're more... mature.

[Sweeping floor with bifurcated sweepers with Nathan] Why has he been in there longer than the rest of us?

He's obviously making more progress. He's such a little arse-kisser.

So have you thought about what you want to do when this is over?

I don't know.

Would you like to go to college or get a j...? [Nathan gibbers at office window using sweeper to allude to cunilingus with tongue motions] He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.

He is a twat.

So, what do you like doing? Come on, there must be something.

I like making videos, editing them together and that.

Really? Well, I have a friend who runs an editing suite. I could ask him about some work experience for you, if that's what you're interested in.

Yeah.

There's no need to look so shocked. I'm not that bad, am I?

No.

I should do some work. [Simon walks to door] Thank you.

For what?

It's nice there's someone I can actually have a conversation with.

Thanks.

View quote →

Alisha

Do you wanna come to mine tonight?

Can't. Gotta baby-sit my nephew.

How about I come with you? My aunt and uncle are well religious. Don't even have a TV cos of all the sex. Man, they take one look at you...

Alisha

Are you saying I look dirty?

Yeah. [Wraps sweater around her shoulders pulling her in, they both chuckle]

View quote →

Alisha

She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]

Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.

It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?

I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".

I'm not a pedophile.

Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.

I don't even like cheese.

That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.

Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.

It's not just her, is it?

Alisha

Oh, yeah, look there's more.

I know him.

[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]

MMan

Can I help you?

Why are you all dressed like retards?

MMan

There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]

Right. Cool.

MMan

See you there, buddy.

He used to be a right headcase.

[To support group] Bring your friends.

This is weird.

They need our help. Things have to change.

View quote →

Don't you have any shame?

Alisha

Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.

And you look like a slut.

Alisha

[Amused] Are you for real?

You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.

Alisha

Freak.

View quote →

What's he doing here?

Who is he?

He's police.

Alisha

[Walks in wearing a formal grey dress] Morning! [Goes through door]

What is up with that?

You want to tell me what's going on? What's with the makeover?

If you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut.

What's happened to you?

I'm sorting my life out. All the drugs and the drink-driving. I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. And I... touched myself in front of you.

[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.

Well, I shouldn't be masturbating in public toilets. I'm saving myself until I'm ready to make a proper commitment.

It's a bit late for that.

No, it's never too late.

And it's not too late for you either. Lisha, what is this? Has it got something to do with that lot we saw yesterday?

You should come to our meeting.

Did they do something to you?

You used to have so much going for you. You threw it all away. So pathetic.

This isn't you.

We can help you, Curtis. Excuse me.

View quote →

It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?

Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.

I... I don't think you should slap them.

To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]

Are you trying to say something, yeah?

No.

Alisha

[Shaun appears from door] Who are you?

I'm your new probation worker.

Alisha

What happened to the other one?

Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]

That's different.

View quote →

[In main area of recreation centre filled with art enthusiasts] Who are they?

It's an art therapy class.

Alisha

Er, you mean they're mentals?

D'you want to say that a bit louder? I don't think the weird-looking one at the back heard you. Look, just try and treat them with some sensitivity and respect.

View quote →

[They've brought up Nathan's coffin and take off lid to see a unresponsive Nathan]

He's dead.

I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.

That does sound like him.

Alisha

Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.

[Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!

What the fuck!?

Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.

You stupid wanker!

Ow! Stop hitting me!

I thought you were dead!

[Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.

So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??

I appear to have shat myself.

Alisha

Were you having a wank in there?

So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?

I was trying to save you.

Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?

D'you want some chewing gum?

Tutti frutti?

I like it.