[Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?
She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.
AlishaWhat, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!
She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.
You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]
Don't walk away! This is on all of us!
I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]
[Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
Alisha
Who was that just now?
I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.
So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?
Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
Alisha
We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!
What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]
We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.
Alisha
It's the new probation worker. It's always the probation worker.
That dead chick was the other probation worker's fiancée. What if this new one's his brother?
He's white. Tony was black.
Er, adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.
[Lucy appears unexpecting to see the community servers]
Alisha
Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]
[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.
[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.
[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]
Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]
She's got me! Get her off me!
[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!
Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]
[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.
Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!
I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.
There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?
Alisha
I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]
Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!
Alisha
You just know Curtis is going to get all freaked out over the whole... [refers to fellatio with wrench] it wasn't even me!
Yeah. One of my exes was watching a porno, yeah?
Alisha
Hmm.
He saw a girl who looked like me getting shagged by a load of dwarfs.
Alisha
Hmm.
Did his head in. And that was it. Over.
Alisha
Huh.
I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.
Alisha
What?!
I don't think you should do that.
We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.
And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?
They did it in The Godfather.
They put a horse's head in the bed.
Well, have you got a horse's head?
Alisha
I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.
Why are you being so nice to me?
Alisha
I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.
I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.
Alisha
Hi. I've got to go do my Community Service. I guess you know that, cos I'm going to see you there. So... are we seeing each other now?
Alisha
I can't lie to Curtis. I can't do that to him.
Alisha
What, you want me to keep on seeing him?
The present me isn't ready for what has to happen. You have to give me time.
Alisha
[Sighs] Will you stop being so fucking mysterious?
It goes with the territory.
Alisha
Yeah, well, it's annoying!
You have to trust me. Just let it play out.
Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
What do we do if he does find out?
We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.
[Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.
Alisha
[Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.
What did you get done for?
I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]
Have any of you got one of these weird powers?
I was only asking because I've got one.
Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]
Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!
That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.
Sometimes I go further than that.
Alisha
That's really impressive.
I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Pulls up in vehicle and gets out] Where's Conti?
[Uses trash picker upper to gesture to Simon] Oh, it's him. He's a right Conti.
JCJimmy Cisco
Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.
I haven't got your money.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Focuses on Kelly seeing her as a video game character Roxy] Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.
Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.
You're clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness.
JCJimmy Cisco
I want my money.
Alisha
Don't. Look, just leave it.
It's okay. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
This should be entertaining.
What's your name? It's okay. I'm not going to hurt... [walks forward and Jimmy shoots Ollie in the head with all community servers fleeing]
[All community servers are lying on rooftop]
Alisha
He shot him! He shot the new guy!
We should go back for him.
He was hit in the head! He's fucked!
[Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!
Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.
[Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]
[Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!
Alisha
He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?
He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.
He made an obscene gesture!
I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!
You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.
[Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.
Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.
There's something wrong wi' you.
Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
...Better him than one of you.
[Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.
He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.
Because you told him I was.
Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]
You want me to buy you a drink?
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.
Alisha
The guy with the red car and the gun...
We were just talking about him.
Alisha
He's got Kelly!
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!
He's here! [Game woman screams]
Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]
GMGame man 1
Where's Conti?
GMGame man 2
He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]
He's living the game. Where did all this come from?
Alisha
He was the guy in the mask.
Misfits · 556 quotes
