Rachel quotes from Misfits

Rachel

Your gun's leaking! [Pause] So you threatened me with a water pistol?!

Alisha

She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]

Nathan

Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.

Kelly

It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?

Nathan

I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".

Simon

I'm not a pedophile.

Nathan

Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.

Simon

I don't even like cheese.

Nathan

That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.

Curtis

Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.

Kelly

It's not just her, is it?

Alisha

Oh, yeah, look there's more.

Curtis

I know him.

Nathan

[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]

Can I help you?

Nathan

Why are you all dressed like retards?

There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]

Nathan

Right. Cool.

See you there, buddy.

Curtis

He used to be a right headcase.

Rachel

[To support group] Bring your friends.

Curtis

This is weird.

Rachel

They need our help. Things have to change.

Rachel

Don't you have any shame?

Alisha

Don't you have any dress sense? Seriously, you look like my mum.

Rachel

And you look like a slut.

Alisha

[Amused] Are you for real?

Rachel

You think having sex with boys will make them respect you? If you behave like a slut, they’ll treat you like a slut.

Alisha

Freak.

Rachel

[To Nathan who is sitting on a bench rolling a joint with walkman earbuds in] Excuse me, you know using Marijuana can cause epilepsy and mental illness? ...I'm talking to you! What's wrong with you? You don't need to behave like this. You can be so much better. [Starts whispering her mind control seed]

Nathan

[He then stands up unaffected and walks past Rachel] Nice cardigan!

Rachel

Will someone please tell me why I'm here?

Alisha

Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.

Rachel

Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.

Rudy

Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.

Curtis

You weren't even there!

Rudy

Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.

Rachel

For what?

Rudy

For whatever it was they were talking about.

Simon

What's it like? Being dead.

Rachel

Well, the big news is there's no God.

Rudy

Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.

Rachel

Well, none of it matters anyway, so...

Rudy

Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.

Tony

[Appears in hallway to community servers sitting in wheelchairs with Rudy doing stationary wheelies besides a smashed vending machine] What are you doing?

Rudy

We are relaxing.

Tony

Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?

Curtis

Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.

Kelly

[Shrugs] Shit happens.

Curtis

The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [Points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.

Rudy

Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.

Tony

What happened to the vending machine?

Rudy

Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.

Rachel

[Laughs] I'm off my fucking tits!

Tony

Look at you. You're out of control. Completely immoral. You're feral.

Alisha

Right. [Clears throat and wheels forward] All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us. We've done our best, and if you've gota problem with that, then fuck you! Like you're so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we've done all right, considering.

Rudy

I think we've done more than all right, love. [Points to hole in vending machine] Free chocolate.

Tony

I've got to find Sally.

Rudy

[Kneels down at Rachel's feet] What's going on? What's with all the tears?

Rachel

I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. Got drunk, I took drugs. I had sex. And I've sworn like a cunt. And I'm still here, I haven't moved on. And now I just feel cheap and dirty. [Buttons up shirt] I feel sick and horrible. I just want to know why I'm here.

Rudy

Well, I think that takes a bit of working out. You know the attractive older probation worker that the starey guy... didn't have sex with? Yeah, well, she thought she was here for revenge, you know, 'cause the others had killed her and everything.

Rachel

Some spirits come back for revenge?

Rudy

Yeah, but not her. Turns out she came back to hook up with her... boyfriend, which is actually quite sweet and moving. If you like that sort of thing.

Rudy

[Leans into her] Look at you. You're so beautiful. [Recoils back] No! No, no... you smell of sick! No, thank you!

Rudy

Poor thing, she's in a right mess. Shall I make her a cup of tea? Do ghosts even like tea? Do they? Ooh.

Curtis

Are you all right?

Rachel

You killed me. And then you turned me into a nasty little slut. Like you.

Kelly

There's nothing wrong with us, mate. You're the one with sick down your top.

Rachel

You're everything I always hated. [Holds up a boxcutter knife]

Rudy

Whoa! What are you doing?

Rachel

This is why I came back. Revenge.

Rudy

Listen, you don't mean that. Yeah? I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we? Let's not do this. Eh? Just put it down... [Alisha appears who gets her throat slashed by Rachel who then disappears]