SimonWhat do you mean, she killed you?
I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
Simon
She wouldn't do that.
How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon
There is no maths.
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
Simon
That means absolutely nothing.
Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
Simon
So?
So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
Simon
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
That's not what we're saying!
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
My mum died of cancer. And I wanted to do something so I set up this charity run.
Simon
I'm sorry about your mum.
So, what's with the community service? What did you do? You didn't murder anyone, did you?
Simon
No.
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
Simon
I want you to know.
You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...
Simon
Jessica.
Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
Simon
You'll find your own girlfriend.
Simon
Who is she?
Mo... nique... ca. [Clears throat] She's French.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
Simon
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
[Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Simon
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
'Cause you just are, man.
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
Simon
What?
What's going on with you and Jessica?
Simon
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
Simon
They know about us.
Simon
Everyone.
What are you talking about?
Simon
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Simon
Don't open the door.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
That's a good point. See you.
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
Simon
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
Simon
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
Simon
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Simon
We're making a mistake.
We should all stick together.
Simon
This will change everything.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[To Simon] Oh, Jesus, no! There's puss seeping out of my cock! One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club, one of them had poor personal hygiene! This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions! No girl in her right mind's going to have sex with that.
Simon
You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Right. She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
Simon
[To Nathan upon meeting Marnie] Who's she? [Sitting in recreation centre atrium] He took her power.
So, how much did she get for it?
Simon
Nothing. She wanted to get rid of it. She can touch people. I can touch her. We had sex.
Ah! So you finally get to sample the goods, and they're... not as advertised? Is she one of those girls with really long pubes, down to her knees?
Simon
No!
Has she got an extroverted vagina? 'Cause they can fix that in an operation, man!
Simon
I was shit.
Oh! So, you're after some sex tips from a far more experienced lover! Two words. Fisherman's Friend.
Simon
Isn't that a cough sweet?
You pop one of those bad boys in your mouth and then you head due south and you pleasure her, orally... and it's the menthol. [Mimics cunnilingus] She's gonna feel like her pussy's on fire.
Simon
Huh?
Ah. I always keep some on me, just in case I'm required to perform. [Slaps it in Simon's hand] Go on. That's for you. I think that young lady is going to have a very merry Christmas! I'll tell you something else, man, if the girl's pregnant, it makes the baby kick like a nutter! [Pats Simon on back] See you, man. [Walks away]
Simon
You sold your powers?
Simon
You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
Simon
It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
Simon
General Zod took over the world!
That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.
You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
You haven't even got a beard!
Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
Simon
You're exploiting the vulnerable.
You're taking money of people.
Intentionally assaulting girls.
Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.
Misfits · 556 quotes
