[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
That's a good point. See you.
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
LLaura
There is an alternative.
LLaura
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
LLaura
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
We should all stick together.
This will change everything.
LLaura
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
LLaura
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
LLaura
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
LLaura
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
LLaura
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So, what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
LLaura
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
LLaura
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
LLaura
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
LLaura
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
[Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
LLaura
The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
[Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
This could only happen to you.
She was going to cure the world.
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
You know it doesn't work like that!
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
[Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
LLaura
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
LLaura
Were you... smelling me?
Mm. I found your scarf in the toilets.
LLaura
Thank you. I thought I'd lost that. Thanks.
How do you smell so nice?
Perfume? Regular showering?
It's okay. I'm not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on. I live in a flat, and it doesn't have a basement.
LLaura
I'm not being funny, but you're really strange.
Mm. It's 'cause I don't know who I am.
LLaura
What do you mean, you don't know who you are?
Well, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm. I've tried to find out who I am, but no-one's looking for me.
I'm Abby, and you are the nicest-smelling person in the world.
LLaura
[Making out with Abbey and sees boyfriend walking down] Shit!
LLaura
Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.
Does he know about the ex bit?
LLaura
Everything's happened so fast.
RRob
Where you been? Hm? Why aren't you answering your phone? Who's she?
Hiya. I'm Abby, the lesbian. I'm her new girlfriend. You've been dumped.
RRob
What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian?
LLaura
I'm not. I've never felt this way about a girl before.
[To Laura] I love you. [To Rob] How weird is that? I love her.
RRob
[Grabs Laura by the wrist] You stupid bitch!
LLaura
You're scaring me. [Abbey attacks Rob, knocking him to ground and punching him in the face repeatedly]
RRob
What the fuck?! [He runs away]
You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!
[Performing cunilingus on Laura] Scary's coming.
[Brings head up] Scary's coming.
LLaura
What? How d'you know about Scary?
I... I'm having these flashbacks. There's this girl and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey. I think it's you. Who's Scary?
LLaura
When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the Bogeyman.
There's another little girl. If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right? We must have been friends when we were little.
LLaura
There's only one other person who knows about Scary.
LLaura
You can't be. She didn't exist. She was my imaginary friend.
What was her name? It was Abby, wasn't it?
LLaura
What the fuck is going on?
Were you in that... weird, freaky, mysterious storm? Um... I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss, but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.
LLaura
Er. You should probably stop going down on me.
[Rob answers front door] Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here?
RRob
Laura asked me to come round. She don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.
But she can't not see me. She created me.
RRob
I know who you are. She told me everything. Stay away from her.
[Keeps door open with foot] What are you gonna do about that? [Rob shoves her and closes door] Laura...! You can't do this. I brought you a swingball. I love swingball. Laura! [Laura goes to bathroom and notices a figure behind shower curtain and swipes it aside] Hi.
LLaura
What are you doing?
I climbed in through the window. I was gonna wait until you had your wee. If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.
LLaura
No, it's just a wee.
Why don't you wanna see me?
[Takes scissors and cuts her arm] See? I'm as real as you are.
RRob
[Knocks on bathroom door] Laura, who are you talking to?
I'm how you made me. You wanted me.
RRob
Laura, open the door.
LLaura
I don't want you here.
If I don't have you, I don't have anybody. Please... [Rob forces way into washroom and grabs Abbey against wall]
LLaura
Rob! No! Fuck off! [Pulls arm back and notices scissor slash] You cut me. You stay away from me.
Misfits · 556 quotes
