I just realized I haven't died this week.
SimonIt's only Thursday. There's still time.
Now why would you say something like that? Twat!
Simon
So you don't love me any more?
OK. So I loved you. Big deal.
Simon
I think we should talk about it.
[To Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.
Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?
Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
What do we do if he does find out?
Simon
We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.
[Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.
[Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.
What did you get done for?
I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]
Have any of you got one of these weird powers?
Simon
What powers?
I was only asking because I've got one.
Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
Simon
What can you do?
Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]
Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!
That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.
Sometimes I go further than that.
That's really impressive.
I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Pulls up in vehicle and gets out] Where's Conti?
[Uses trash picker upper to gesture to Simon] Oh, it's him. He's a right Conti.
JCJimmy Cisco
Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.
Simon
I haven't got your money.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Focuses on Kelly seeing her as a video game character Roxy] Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.
Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.
You're clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness.
JCJimmy Cisco
I want my money.
Don't. Look, just leave it.
It's okay. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
This should be entertaining.
What's your name? It's okay. I'm not going to hurt... [walks forward and Jimmy shoots Ollie in the head with all community servers fleeing]
[All community servers are lying on rooftop]
He shot him! He shot the new guy!
We should go back for him.
He was hit in the head! He's fucked!
[Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!
Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.
[Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]
[Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!
He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?
He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.
He made an obscene gesture!
I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!
You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.
[Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.
Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.
There's something wrong wi' you.
Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
Simon
You're immortal.
...Better him than one of you.
It's a cruel senseless waste. [Shaun sighs] A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. [Shaun sighs] So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend... [pauses to try to remember Ollie's name]
Simon
Ollie.
Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.
[later on]
[Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.
Simon
He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.
Simon
Because you told him I was.
Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]
Simon
You want me to buy you a drink?
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.
The guy with the red car and the gun...
We were just talking about him.
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!
He's here! [Game woman screams]
Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]
GMGame man 1
Where's Conti?
GMGame man 2
He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]
He's living the game. Where did all this come from?
He was the guy in the mask.
Simon
[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!
Simon
We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
So, now all we need is a hundred grand.
Simon
We could a rob a bank.
Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.
[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?
Simon
Nothing.
Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!
Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.
The man wants his car washed.
He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]
[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!
[Calls out to Simon walking by and realizes he can't hear 'cause of walkman earbuds in and she walks in front of him, he takes earbuds out] Hi. I called out. You didn't hear 'cause of the music.
Simon
Right.
Do you want to walk in together? You don't have to, if you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
Simon
I'd never be embarrassed to be seen with you.
Good. [Gestures to continue walking] Ready?
What are you listening to?
Simon
Echo & the Bunnymen.
Never heard of them. [Simon gives her an earbud] Thanks... [she puts it on] This is really depressing.
[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?
Some bastard killed me last night.
No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.
Simon
Have you got any enemies?
No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
I can think of a few reasons.
Simon
...You annoy people.
See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!
Don't speak to him like that.
Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?
Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]
I wish I could. I can never reach it.
Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?
I'm not even having this conversation.
'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
This is why people kill you.
The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
You said you didn't know who it was.
No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
[Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
Simon
I was never very good at running.
Is that why you got caught?
Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Simon
Why are you nervous?
Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
Simon
Don't.
[Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
Simon
No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
[Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
Simon
Is everything okay?
Misfits · 556 quotes
