Simon Bellamy quotes from Misfits

What, it doesn't matter that your girlfriend used to be called The Cock Monster?

Simon

We've all got a past. I've got... two pasts. All that matters is us, here, now. Do you know what they used to call me at school? The Pussy Meister.

Shut up!

Simon

I was getting so much pussy, I didn't know what to do with it, just... loads of pussy, everywhere...

Will you please stop saying "pussy"?

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[A cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.

Simon

Whose car is it?

Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?

We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.

Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [Skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.

[Walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

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[To Kelly writing in a notebook on rooftop] What you doing?

Designing a new propulsion system.

Why?

Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist!

Ah! Are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one. Mine could be, "Now you see me... now you see two of me."

Why do we need catchphrases?

You know, for when shit goes down, man. Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just gonna spend the next seven weeks ambling about, picking up litter?

Simon

He's got a point.

Yeah, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe there won't be any shit going down.

Oh, trust me, there'll be shit. It's in the air. I can smell it.

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You should do the Lottery. Use your power. See the numbers. Take their trousers down, we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.

Simon

Why should I split it with you?

Because it was my idea, you! I'm the brains, you're the stare. Okay. 60/50.

Simon

[Chuckles] It's supposed to add up to 100.

Whoa, don't even think about screwing me, [swipes Simon's cheek with paint scraper handle] sweet cheeks! 70/40. Final offer.

Simon

I don't get to choose what I see.

Ah! Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being raped here, and not in a good way.

What are you smiling at?

What? Am I not allowed to smile?

You look like you just got laid.

Have you just had a shag?

Something like that.

Who's the lucky girl?

You don't know her.

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[Flipping through papers] What is this? I said it had to be done alphabetically. Since when did J come before H?

If I'm so crap, why did you give me the job?

Because you have other talents. [Spins her chair and leans in seductively] Oh, yeah... you are very, very talented.

What, you mean I've got nice tits?

Yeah. [Simon enters and Nazi salutes with Shaun waving him off] Yeah... whatever.

Simon

You told me to let you know when the prisoner arrived. He's here. The old man we found with the stab wound on the estate, [produces envelope] he had this in his pocket.

Well, put it with the other shit!

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Seth

[Referring to Friedrich stabbed by Hitler What's wrong with him?

Simon

He was stabbed. I think his wound's infected.

Seth

Well, can't you take him to a hospital or summat?

Simon

Nazis aren't big on compassion.

Seth

Aren't you one of 'em?

Simon

I was conscripted. I'll do what I can for him.

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Simon

You don't smoke, do you?

[Chuckles] What gave it away?

Simon

I don't smoke either. Why should the smokers get all the breaks? I never got a chance to thank you. For covering for me. Why are you with him?

I got caught drink-driving. Um, they were gonna to send me to prison. He got them to drop the charges. You probably think I'm a total slut.

Simon

We're all doing what we need to do to survive.

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[Walks out] I heard what happened. Are you okay?

Simon

They shot them. Right in front of me. I just stood there. I did nothing.

There's nothing you could have done. What's wrong?

Simon

Everything.

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[Led out in hallway by Kelly at gunpoint] You fucking shot me!

[Runs into Kelly with Simon in hallway] What are you doing?

I'm busting the prisoners out of the cells and I'll kill anyone who gets in my way!

D'you need a hand?

Simon

I'm with her.

You're shagging him? I thought you liked me.

All you ever did was make me hate myself.

Ungrateful little bitch. After everything I've done for you.

Oh, will you shoot just him again?

[Hands Alisha pistol] When we're done with him, you can do what you like. [To Shaun] Move!

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There's an anger management counselor here for you.

For me? [Gives Simon a look]

Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [To Simon] Did you have the last Twix?

Simon

Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [Leaves]

For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.

Simon

Who?

Who do you think? [Points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.

Simon

So that's why you're on community service?

Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?

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You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?

We used to do it.

Yeah, and it was weird then.

I never heard you complaining.

Simon

[Enters] What's going on? [Looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?

Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]

[To Simon] What?

Simon

Why are you here?

What, you think I was watching him wank?

Simon

...That's what you used to do.

I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [Leaves]

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Kelly. That's Kelly.

Simon

It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.

Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in Face/Off.

Simon

Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.

Oh.

Simon

This is more like Freaky Friday.

Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?

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Simon

[Talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?

RORudy One

No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?

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Simon

It's like a zombie film.

Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an E.T. man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]

How do you mean, it's like a zombie film?

Simon

Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed. It's infectious. If you get bitten, you become one of them.

Hang on a minute. He brought Shannon back from the dead. Are you saying she's a zombie?

Simon

Who's Shannon? [Kelly runs away] Wait, Kelly! [Cat hisses] What are we gonna do with this frigging cat?!

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CCheerleader

[Rudy goes out in hall] Have you got any change for the vending machine?

Just... fuck off! [Runs away] No, no... don't touch me! Don't touch me! Fuck off! Fucking fuckers!

Simon

[Walking out onto rooftop] Are you okay?

I was 13. I'd just come in from school, so... I poured myself a nice, cold, nourishing glass of milk. Head into the lounge to watch ]][[w:Blue Peter|Blue Peter, good, wholesome family entertainment. I open the door... and I see my dad. And he is just... he's just fucking the hell out of my mum. Faces all, like, contorted, like that. Like a wild animal. She was dressed like a cheerleader. Little skirt... pompoms, everything.

Is that it?

Whoa!

That image haunted me all the way through puberty. I can't even sit down and have a relaxing wank without it popping into my head. Every time I shut my eyes. It scarred me. It scarred me. You know some people are scared of clowns? For me, it's cheerleaders.

No one's scared of clowns.

Simon

It's called coulrophobia.

Yeah, well, so, imagine your dad is dressed as a clown and he's... fucking your mum, like that.

Why would my dad be dressed as a clown?

Well, I don't know what he gets up to in the privacy of his own home, sick pervert, do I? Fucking cheerleaders, man. ooh, fuck.