[Sneaks up on Simon filming other community servers on steps] Pervert! What are you doing? [Snatches Simon's phone and films adjacently]
SimonGive it back.
Simon
Come on, we'll do an interview. [Chuckles] First question. Have you ever had sex with a piece of fruit?
Simon
Give me my phone.
Simon
Second question. Was it a melon? [Simon lunges at Nathan wrestling back phone] Ah, he's trying to kiss me! He's trying to kiss me!
Simon
Just give it back!
Give him his phone back, you prick.
Ow, stop hitting me! Have your little toy. [Flips v-sign] Melon-fucker!
This is your chance to talk about community service.
So do you think that you have learned anything?
Fine... how do you think you have changed?
[Repeatedly] They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?
[Answers phone] Ooh, hello?
[sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...
You're fuckin' lying! [Laughs]
Do I look like I'm some kind of fuckin' knob? Do I?
It's not easy, being you, is it?
Simon
What do you mean?
I mean, how do you get along with the others? It must be hard. You're not like them. You're more... mature.
[Sweeping floor with bifurcated sweepers with Nathan] Why has he been in there longer than the rest of us?
He's obviously making more progress. He's such a little arse-kisser.
So have you thought about what you want to do when this is over?
Simon
I don't know.
Would you like to go to college or get a j...? [Nathan gibbers at office window using sweeper to allude to cunilingus with tongue motions] He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.
Simon
He is a twat.
So, what do you like doing? Come on, there must be something.
Simon
I like making videos, editing them together and that.
Really? Well, I have a friend who runs an editing suite. I could ask him about some work experience for you, if that's what you're interested in.
Simon
Yeah.
There's no need to look so shocked. I'm not that bad, am I?
Simon
No.
I should do some work. [Simon walks to door] Thank you.
Simon
For what?
It's nice there's someone I can actually have a conversation with.
Simon
Thanks.
We never did find out who was putting notes in our lockers.
What did I say? I said they had nothing. They were just pissing in the wind.
You don't know what they got on us.
Simon
Maybe they're watching us right now.
This shit is old news. We have outfoxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy. [To Kelly] You like that, huh? Yeah.
[Driving with Simon] So what's going on with Curtis and Alisha? Oh, come on. I'm not blind. Are they seeing each other?
Simon
I suppose so.
Well, Alisha's a very beautiful girl, isn't she? So what else do you lot get up to when I'm not around?
Simon
Nothing.
Really? It's okay. I'm not sure I wanna know, anyway. [Pulls up to Simon's house] So are you up to anything exciting this evening?
Simon
I'll probably just go online. How about you?
I'll watch some television, get an early night. God, I sound boring.
Simon
I don't think you're boring.
Simon
See you tomorrow.
Simon
[Brings drinks at a wine cellar bar] They asked me if I wanted small or large. I said large.
You trying to get me drunk?
Simon
No.
I'm joking. Maybe I should get you drunk.
Simon
Why?
Because I reckon you're quite cute when you're drunk. [Man walks by with head turned to them] Who's that?
Simon
I went to school with him.
Simon
He lives next door to me. He stopped speaking to me when we started secondary school.
Did he give you an hard time?
Simon
Every morning when I woke up I felt sick just thinking about him. I told my parents and the teachers. They knew it was happening. No one did anything.
Was it his house you tried to burn down?
Simon
A few months ago, he sent me a text inviting me to this club. I thought he wanted to apologize. I get to the club, I walk up to him and his mates. He texted me by mistake. It was so humiliating.
Simon
I was so angry, I... I got drunk. I started thinking about everything he did to me at school. I lost it. I went round to his house. I made sure his family were out. I soaked some tissues in lighter fluid. I lit them and dropped them through the letterbox. There was a cat.
Simon
Inside the house. I thought, "The cat didn't bully me at school. "He hasn't done anything." The carpet was just starting to catch alight. The cat was freaking out.
Simon
I put the fire out.
Simon
I pissed through the letterbox. [Her smirks grows] This is when his mum comes home. She starts screaming. You know what it's like once you've started. It's hard to stop. [She is giggling] It's not funny. Sorry. [She is laughing] I'm sorry. [Simons smiles with her]
She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]
Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.
It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?
I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".
Simon
I'm not a pedophile.
Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
Simon
I don't even like cheese.
That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.
It's not just her, is it?
Oh, yeah, look there's more.
[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]
Why are you all dressed like retards?
MMan
There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]
MMan
See you there, buddy.
He used to be a right headcase.
[To support group] Bring your friends.
They need our help. Things have to change.
She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]
Wash your hands before you touch me!
[Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!
It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.
What, like brainwashing or something?
Simon
It's the storm.
How d'you know that? You don't know that?
Simon
When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?
Simon
I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?
Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.
Simon
I... I don't think you should slap them.
To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]
Are you trying to say something, yeah?
[Shaun appears from door] Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
What happened to the other one?
Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]
[They've brought up Nathan's coffin and take off lid to see a unresponsive Nathan]
I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.
Simon
That does sound like him.
Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.
[Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!
Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.
[Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.
So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??
I appear to have shat myself.
Were you having a wank in there?
So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?
Simon
I was trying to save you.
Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
Simon
D'you want some chewing gum?
Simon
I like it.
Man, that was a bad scene in there. I thought I was going to starve to death.
You're immortal, you can't starve to death.
You're an expert, are you?
So, what are you going to do now?
I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal. Catch you later? [Walks away]
[Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?
Simon
She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.
What, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!
Simon
She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.
You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]
Don't walk away! This is on all of us!
I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]
[Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
Simon
That wasn't Nathan?
Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
Simon
I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.
So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?
Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
Simon
We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!
What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]
Misfits · 556 quotes
