Simon Bellamy quotes from Misfits

Curtis

We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.

Alisha

It's the new probation worker. It's always the probation worker.

Nathan

That dead chick was the other probation worker's fiancée. What if this new one's his brother?

Simon

He's white. Tony was black.

Nathan

Er, adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.

Simon

Lucy?

Alisha

Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]

Nathan

Hey!

Shaun

[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.

Shaun

What?

Nathan

Kelly!

Kelly

[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]

Nathan

Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]

Shaun

Bastards!

Nathan

She's got me! Get her off me!

Simon

Let go!

Shaun

[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!

Kelly

Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]

Simon

[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.

Kelly

Oh, fuck.

Curtis

We've killed him!

Nathan

Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!

Curtis

You're immortal!

Simon

I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.

Nathan

There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?

Alisha

I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]

Nathan

Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!

Curtis

Wait!

Shaun

Right. I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

Good one! Very convincing!

Curtis

[Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!

Shaun

What? What's going on?

Simon

Nothing.

Shaun

You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]

Curtis

[After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?

Simon

[Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!

Nathan

Get some cheese!

Kelly

Are you fuckin' serious?

Simon

You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treated me? All the names you've called me?

Nathan

What names?

Simon

Weird kid. Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat. Pervert. Paedophile. Melon fucker. ...I just want to be your friend.

Nathan

Sure, man.

Nathan

So, basically, he's had a blow job off your girlfriend and you haven't?

Curtis

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.

Nathan

It looked like her.

Curtis

It wasn't her!

Nathan

It had her mouth.

Curtis

It wasn't her brain!

Nathan

Who cares about her brain when your balls are resting on her chin?

Curtis

[Points hurling stick in Nathan's face] Say another word! I dare you! Do it!

Nathan

I didn't do anything! [Refers to Simon] Be angry with him!

Simon

I didn't know what was happening. She just... Then she... before I knew it, she was-

Nathan

Sucking your cock!

Curtis

You didn't know it wasn't Alisha! You should've stopped her!

Nathan

C'mon, man! Be serious! That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless! That's how girls trick you into marrying them!

Simon

[Affected by Alisha's power] I wanna rub my cock in your hairy armpit!

Alisha

Happy now?

Nathan

Cock. Armpit. It wasn't pretty.

Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you?

Simon

[Nods] For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never been this happy.

You should have visited me.

Simon

I couldn't go back to the unit. I can't go back.

It's where you belong.

Simon

I'm not that person any more. I like who I am now. Don't take that away from me.

Nathan

I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.

Alisha

What?!

Simon

I don't think you should do that.

Nathan

We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.

Curtis

And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?

Nathan

They did it in The Godfather.

Simon

They put a horse's head in the bed.

Nathan

Well, have you got a horse's head?

Nathan

[Affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.

Simon

Like what?

Nathan

Anything.

Simon

I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.

Nathan

Tell me about your first sexual experience. Do you want to hear about mine? It was a family camping holiday. One of my mum's friends came with us, and one night, I felt her hand sliding into my sleeping bag, like a warm, friendly snake. Hmm! Then she grabs my cock and starts wanking me off. She had lovely little hands. Like a midget's.

Simon

Your hand's on my leg.

Nathan

Shh.

Simon

What are you doing?!

Nathan

You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that. Feel my heart. It's racing. It's okay, it's okay. I'll be gentle. Why don't we slip your trousers off? It's okay, we don't have to fight any longer. I want to see it!

Simon

Argh! [Gets up and walks away]

Nathan

Simon. Simon, don't go. We don't have to go all the way - we can just cuddle. And when you're ready, we can do some dry humping. Call me!

Alisha

I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.

Simon

Why are you being so nice to me?

Alisha

I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.

Simon

I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.

Alisha

Were you sniffing my knickers?

You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers?

Simon

[To Vince] Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.

Curtis

He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts?

Simon

Nuts are his kryptonite... like in Superman!

Alisha

Do we become famous?

Do you want to be famous?

Alisha

It's got to be better than picking up litter.

Sometimes I think that was the best time of my life.

Alisha

Hi. I've got to go do my Community Service. I guess you know that, cos I'm going to see you there. So... are we seeing each other now?

Simon

Yes.

Alisha

I can't lie to Curtis. I can't do that to him.

Simon

You have to.

Alisha

What, you want me to keep on seeing him?

Simon

The present me isn't ready for what has to happen. You have to give me time.

Alisha

[Sighs] Will you stop being so fucking mysterious?

Simon

It goes with the territory.

Alisha

Yeah, well, it's annoying!

Simon

You have to trust me. Just let it play out.