Kelly Bailey quotes from Misfits

Right. Put all this shit in that skip.

Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?

Put all this shit in that skip, please.

Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.

I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]

Kelly

Er, where are you going?

For a coffee and a Danish.

Smug bastard.

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Kelly

I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you?

Well, you know I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.

Kelly

It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.

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I just realized I haven't died this week.

It's only Thursday. There's still time.

Now why would you say something like that? Twat!

So you don't love me any more?

OK. So I loved you. Big deal.

I think we should talk about it.

I so wanna hear this.

[To Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.

Kelly

Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?

Not really, no.

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Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.

Kelly

What do we do if he does find out?

We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.

[Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.

[Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.

All right?

Kelly

What did you get done for?

I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]

Have any of you got one of these weird powers?

What?

What powers?

I was only asking because I've got one.

Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.

What can you do?

I can teleport. (LAUGHS)

Kelly

Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]

Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!

Kelly

That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.

Sometimes I go further than that.

That's really impressive.

I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.

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JCJimmy Cisco

[Pulls up in vehicle and gets out] Where's Conti?

[Uses trash picker upper to gesture to Simon] Oh, it's him. He's a right Conti.

JCJimmy Cisco

Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.

Give the man his money.

I haven't got your money.

JCJimmy Cisco

[Focuses on Kelly seeing her as a video game character Roxy] Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.

Kelly

Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.

You're clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness.

JCJimmy Cisco

I want my money.

Let me talk to him.

Don't. Look, just leave it.

It's okay. I've had some training in conflict resolution.

This should be entertaining.

What's your name? It's okay. I'm not going to hurt... [walks forward and Jimmy shoots Ollie in the head with all community servers fleeing]

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[All community servers are lying on rooftop]

He shot him! He shot the new guy!

Kelly

We should go back for him.

He was hit in the head! He's fucked!

[Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!

I don't see him.

Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.

Kelly

This is messed up.

[Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]

[Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!

What was that?

He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?

He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.

He made an obscene gesture!

I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!

You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.

[Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.

Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.

There's something wrong wi' you.

Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.

You're immortal.

...Better him than one of you.

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JCJimmy Cisco

[Leading Kelly at gunpoint] Give me my hundred grand.

Kelly

I haven't got your money, Jimmy. [Jimmy slaps her]

JCJimmy Cisco

That's far enough.

Kelly

Let me go, you dick.

JCJimmy Cisco

[Hands her refuse bag of contents] Put it on.

Kelly

[She looks in bag] You can shove that up your arse. [Throws bag at him]

JCJimmy Cisco

Put it on.

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Kelly

That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.

...Right.

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Kelly

[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?

Some bastard killed me last night.

Kelly

Are you winding us up?

No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.

Who was it?

I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.

Have you got any enemies?

No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?

I can think of a few reasons.

Definitely.

Kelly

Shitloads.

...You annoy people.

See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!

Don't speak to him like that.

Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?

Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]

I wish I could. I can never reach it.

Kelly

Oh, that is too wrong.

Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?

I'm not even having this conversation.

'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.

Kelly

This is why people kill you.

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Kelly

[Picks up box with two water bottles on it that fall off] Grab those bottles for us, yeah? The bottles.

[Aloud] What? [Voice of thought] She's so beautiful. [Aloud] What's your name?

Kelly

Why do you want to know my name?

Because I'm really attracted to you.

Kelly

Are you taking the piss?

No. I think you're beautiful. [Hears front door open and hides behind boxes with police officer coming in holding out badge]

PPolice officer

You!

Kelly

Are you talking to me, mate?

PPolice officer

You see a guy in a grey hoodie come through here?

Kelly

Your height, kind of funny-looking?

PPolice officer

Where is he?

Kelly

He went out the back door. You better start running if you want to catch him.

PPolice officer

Are you dicking with me?

Kelly

No. I love the police. [Sarcastically forces a smile]

PPolice officer

[Disapprovingly shakes head and into walkie talkie] He's gone out the back door of the Community Centre! [Gives her a shoulder bump of you-should-know-better with her looking offended face and he runs out back door]

Thanks. [Runs out front door]

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What do you mean, she killed you?

I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.

She wouldn't do that.

How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!

Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.

There is no maths.

Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!

That means absolutely nothing.

Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.

So?

So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.

Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.

Kelly

Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.

And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?

So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?

That's not what we're saying!

Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.

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Kelly

[Bruno appears holding a pack of beer cans] What you doing?

I'm waiting for you. I wanted to say thank you.

Kelly

Why are the coppers after you?

I got into a fight. I didn't mean to. Would you like to come for a beer in the park with me?

Kelly

No, you're all right.

Come for a beer with me.

Kelly

If you don't get out of my face, you're gonna get a slap.

Sorry. You're the first person that's ever done anything kind for me. People are mean. You were nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you. :Kelly: One beer. Come on, then. So, what's your name?

Bruno.

Kelly

What kind of a shit name is that? I hit this girl.

She deserve it?

Kelly

I thought she did at the time. Sometimes it's like I lose it. I've battered someone before I even know that I've done it.

Did you mean what you said to that policeman?

Kelly

What's that?

That I was kind of funny-looking.

Kelly

It's your face. You want to get that sorted.

Really?

Kelly

No, I'm dicking with you.

Shall I invite her back to mine? [Voice of thought] Don't scare her off. Does she even like me?

Kelly

You got any beers back at your place? I ain't gonna shag you.

[Snorts] I wasn't expecting you to.

Kelly

Good. Come on.

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Kelly

I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.

Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.

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R1Reporter 1

How would you describe your ability?

Brian

I call it lactokinesis.

R2Reporter 2

What's it like being called the world's first superhero?

Kelly

[Watching on TV] That has to be the shittiest power ever.

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[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!

What?

What's going on with you and Jessica?

After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.

You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]

What was that?

They know about us.

Who?

Everyone.

Kelly

What are you talking about?

There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.

Bullshit.

Kelly

No way.

Are you serious?

Right. I think I might take a little peek.

Don't open the door.

That is really quite a lot of reporters.

Kelly

How did they find out about us?

What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!

Yeah.

You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.

Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.

Kelly

You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Like you give a shit.

That's a good point. See you.

Where you going?

Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.

Kelly

Wanker!

I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.

What are they going to do to us?

They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.

Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.

Kelly

What are we gonna do?

We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.

I'm not loving the sound of that.

Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.

LLaura

There is an alternative.

Who are you?

LLaura

I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.