This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
KellyYeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
We should all stick together.
Kelly
Just do it with us.
This will change everything.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Kelly
Fuck's sake!
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Kelly
I shagged a monkey.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
Kelly
What are we doing here?
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So, what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
Kelly
Who's she?
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
[Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
[Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
Kelly
This could only happen to you.
She was going to cure the world.
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
You know it doesn't work like that!
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
[Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
[Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Are you going to pay for them?
Kelly
Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
Kelly
I think it's dead romantic, I do.
I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
[Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
[Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
[To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
[Feeling Alisha's hand] It's so weird that I can do this.
Kelly
How does it feel?
It's so nice not to have to think about it any more.
Maybe we'd all be better off without them.
I'm saying this random teleporting all over the place, it's a pain in the arse. I mean, what has any of us actually achieved with our powers?
Apart from saving all our lives?
We wouldn't need saving if it wasn't for the powers. We don't need to be caught up in all this bullshit.
Kelly
D'you think it's all right to just flog our powers like that?
I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly living the dream.
Kelly
You always hated hearing what people thought about you.
That's because most people are two-faced dickheads. I think we should go and see this guy.See how much he offers us. Look, it's worth having a conversation.
Kelly
Twenty fuckin' grand!
Kelly
Yeah mate.
You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
Kelly
And?
General Zod took over the world!
That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.
That's not going to be possible.
What're you talking about?
What d'yah mean, you don't have it?
I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.
Kelly
You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.
Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.
Kelly
You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
You haven't even got a beard!
Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
You're exploiting the vulnerable.
Kelly
You're taking money of people.
Intentionally assaulting girls.
Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.
[After community servers finish singing Little Donkey]
You've seriously lost your cool.
Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.
[Swiping a plastic baby doll from the manger] Sorry, Jesus.
I think I'm having another! I think I'm having twins!
What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
You're giving birth to an alien!
[Pulls out placenta stomping on it and spraying everyone with blood] Die!
Kelly
It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!
Anyway, so... happy Christmas, one and all.
ADAeronautics development manager
These are the designs for an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Kelly
Yeah, mate. Check out the propulsion system. It's liquid nitrogen, it's wicked.
ADAeronautics development manager
Where did you get them?
Kelly
I drew 'em.
ADAeronautics development manager
[Laughs] You? You honestly expect me to believe that?
Kelly
You think I nicked them? I fucking drew 'em. They're my designs!
ADAeronautics development manager
Get her out of here.
Kelly
[Security attempts to manhandle her] Take your hand off me, you prick! I'm a fucking rocket scientist! [Security manhandles her away]
Misfits · 556 quotes
