She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]
Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.
KellyIt's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?
I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".
Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.
I don't even like cheese.
That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.
Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.
Kelly
It's not just her, is it?
Oh, yeah, look there's more.
[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]
Why are you all dressed like retards?
MMan
There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]
MMan
See you there, buddy.
He used to be a right headcase.
[To support group] Bring your friends.
They need our help. Things have to change.
Kelly
Who is he?
[Walks in wearing a formal grey dress] Morning! [Goes through door]
Kelly
What is up with that?
You want to tell me what's going on? What's with the makeover?
Kelly
If you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut.
Kelly
I'm sorting my life out. All the drugs and the drink-driving. I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. And I... touched myself in front of you.
[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.
Kelly
Well, I shouldn't be masturbating in public toilets. I'm saving myself until I'm ready to make a proper commitment.
It's a bit late for that.
Kelly
No, it's never too late.
And it's not too late for you either. Lisha, what is this? Has it got something to do with that lot we saw yesterday?
Kelly
You should come to our meeting.
Did they do something to you?
Kelly
You used to have so much going for you. You threw it all away. So pathetic.
Kelly
We can help you, Curtis. Excuse me.
She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.
It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.
You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?
And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]
Wash your hands before you touch me!
Kelly
Have you finished?
[Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!
It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.
Kelly
What, like brainwashing or something?
How d'you know that? You don't know that?
When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?
Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?
I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Kelly
Why are you in my bedroom?
Kelly
I think I look nice.
Okay, yeah, I suppose you could argue it’s a huge improvement. I get that. It’s not you.
Kelly
That’s a good thing. I had a terrible attitude. I was so aggressive.
Yes, but in a good way. You’re the only person that gives me a slap. There’s no bullshit with you.
Kelly
I was a horrible chav. I didn’t like who I was.
I did... I can’t believe I’m going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can’t buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn’t. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you’re not… you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry. [kisses her on the cheek]
Kelly
That was really inappropriate.
It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?
Kelly
Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.
I... I don't think you should slap them.
To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]
Kelly
Are you trying to say something, yeah?
[Shaun appears from door] Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
What happened to the other one?
Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]
[They've brought up Nathan's coffin and take off lid to see a unresponsive Nathan]
Kelly
I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.
That does sound like him.
Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.
[Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!
Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.
Kelly
You stupid wanker!
Kelly
I thought you were dead!
[Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.
Kelly
So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??
I appear to have shat myself.
Were you having a wank in there?
So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?
I was trying to save you.
Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
D'you want some chewing gum?
Man, that was a bad scene in there. I thought I was going to starve to death.
You're immortal, you can't starve to death.
You're an expert, are you?
Kelly
So, what are you going to do now?
I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal. Catch you later? [Walks away]
[In recreation centre locker room] So, my mum opens the door and she's like, "Argh!" I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted. Faceplants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly
Is she all right?
Yeah, she's fine. She's fine. Apart from the whole face. Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.
Kelly
How did you explain it to your dad?
I told him I faked my own death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.
I could ask you the same thing.
I'm the probation worker.
Oh. [Offers handshake] Nathan. Nathan Young.
They told me you were dead.
Really? [Takes pulse on neck] Apparently not. Could a dead man do this? [Starts dancing and bumps into locker door] Oh! Jesus!
Well, I'll put you back in the system.
Hold on. What? Are you saying I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up here, no-one would've come looking for me?
We thought you were dead. [Walks away]
Kelly
[Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?
She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.
What, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!
She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.
You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]
Kelly
Don't walk away! This is on all of us!
I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]
[Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.
So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?
Kelly
What? No!
Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!
What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Kelly
Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]
[Lucy appears unexpecting to see the community servers]
Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]
[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.
[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.
Kelly
[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]
Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]
She's got me! Get her off me!
[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!
Kelly
Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]
[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.
Kelly
Oh, fuck.
Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!
I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.
There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?
I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]
Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!
Right. I will see you tomorrow.
Good one! Very convincing!
[Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!
You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]
[After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?
[Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!
Kelly
Are you fuckin' serious?
You just know Curtis is going to get all freaked out over the whole... [refers to fellatio with wrench] it wasn't even me!
Kelly
Yeah. One of my exes was watching a porno, yeah?
Kelly
He saw a girl who looked like me getting shagged by a load of dwarfs.
Kelly
Did his head in. And that was it. Over.
Misfits · 556 quotes
