Curtis Donovan quotes from Misfits

Curtis

I feel so guilty! Time rewinds and it's like I've never said it. I ended it six times. She cries and I'm back where I started. It's doing my head. I just need it to be over!

Nathan

You need to make her hate ya. Seriously... she's steaming, she's telling you got a tiny dick, you're a crap in bed, you don't feel guilty... maybe time won't rewind.

[Walks up] Hey. What did you want to talk to me about?

Curtis

I can't see you any more.

You're finishing with me? Why?

Curtis

'Cause I'm gay.

[Laughs] You're gay?

Curtis

Mm-hm.

So... What, it was all a lie? Everything?

Curtis

Wait...

How could you do that to me? What are you doing? Do I mean nothing to you?

Curtis

Wait, no, don't cry. [Puts arms on Sam's shoulders and realizes he can turn back time]

Hey. What did you want to talk to me about?

Curtis

I can't see you any more.

You're finishing with me? Why?

Curtis

'Cause you're fat. You're large. Kind of round.

What?

Curtis

I've got three months left to live. I don't want to waste it with you. 'Cause I'm impotent and I know how much you love cock.

Why are you being like this?

Curtis

'Cause you got... weird tits. And nasty snatch gunk. I'm sorry.

You're finishing with me?

Curtis

And you're gonna ask me why and I can't tell you. There are things going on with me, things I can't tell you about. No matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay.

What you just said. It's from Spider-Man. You're dumping me with a line from Spider-Man?

Curtis

[Repeatedly] No...!

You immature pathetic shallow bastard!

Curtis

It's not from Spider-Man!

Have you got no respect for me?! I thought you were better than that!

Curtis

Sam! [Grabs her and she slaps him] Oh!

You stay away from me!

Curtis

Done. [Straightens jacket and walks away]

Alisha

She went to my school. This one time, she's doing this boy I know in her dad's car, yeah? She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... [mimics repeated copulation grunts]

Nathan

Try that in your driving test. That's getting you a fail. Or a pass... and probably some kind of internal injury.

Kelly

It's the same with some girls on my estate. No one's even getting pregnant any more. [To Simon] What about your friends?

Nathan

I believe that's generally referred to as a "pedophile ring".

Simon

I'm not a pedophile.

Nathan

Yeah? You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese.

Simon

I don't even like cheese.

Nathan

That makes it even worse, you sick bastard.

Curtis

Maybe she's done sitting on her dad's gear stick. It's a thought.

Kelly

It's not just her, is it?

Alisha

Oh, yeah, look there's more.

Curtis

I know him.

Nathan

[Man and woman walk down steps] Oi, you! [Gestures come here]

Can I help you?

Nathan

Why are you all dressed like retards?

There's a meeting in the community centre tonight. You should come along and find out. All of you. [Walks away]

Nathan

Right. Cool.

See you there, buddy.

Curtis

He used to be a right headcase.

Rachel

[To support group] Bring your friends.

Curtis

This is weird.

Rachel

They need our help. Things have to change.

Curtis

What's he doing here?

Kelly

Who is he?

Curtis

He's police.

Alisha

[Walks in wearing a formal grey dress] Morning! [Goes through door]

Kelly

What is up with that?

Curtis

You want to tell me what's going on? What's with the makeover?

Kelly

If you dress like a slut, people will treat you like a slut.

Curtis

What's happened to you?

Kelly

I'm sorting my life out. All the drugs and the drink-driving. I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. And I... touched myself in front of you.

Curtis

[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it.

Kelly

Well, I shouldn't be masturbating in public toilets. I'm saving myself until I'm ready to make a proper commitment.

Curtis

It's a bit late for that.

Kelly

No, it's never too late.

Curtis

And it's not too late for you either. Lisha, what is this? Has it got something to do with that lot we saw yesterday?

Kelly

You should come to our meeting.

Curtis

Did they do something to you?

Kelly

You used to have so much going for you. You threw it all away. So pathetic.

Curtis

This isn't you.

Kelly

We can help you, Curtis. Excuse me.

Curtis

She's saying all this weird stuff about sex and that. She says she's saving herself until she's ready to make a proper commitment.

Nathan

It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that decides it's time to pull up her knickers.

Curtis

You realize that's my girlfriend you're talking about?

Nathan

And I feel your pain. [Puts hand on Curtis shoulder who swipes it off and points in Nathan's face]

Curtis

Wash your hands before you touch me!

Kelly

Have you finished?

Nathan

[Puts index finger to lips] The beast is back in his cage. He is sleeping. Shhh!

Curtis

It's that lot we saw yesterday. She's dressing like that. They did something to her.

Kelly

What, like brainwashing or something?

Simon

It's the storm.

Nathan

How d'you know that? You don't know that?

Simon

When weird stuff happens, it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet?

Curtis

He has got a point.

Nathan

Did you just recently GROW A SET OF BALLS?

Simon

I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.

Nathan

That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Curtis

[Appears in control room pretending to be one of the “good guys” and Nathan sees him and walks up with a clipboard] Nathan. I'm so glad you're with us now.

Nathan

I'm so pleased to be here. I was such a loser. The drugs, the sex... all that fast food. I was so miserable.

Curtis

I hear you. You were such an annoying idiot.

Nathan

What's this?

Curtis

Oh, it's a petition. We're campaigning against contraceptives being given out in schools. Will you sign it?

Nathan

There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves... and that's knowledge. [Curtis chuckles and Nathan sees Rachel walking in a tight skirt and turning around] Please excuse me.

Curtis

It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?

Kelly

Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.

Simon

I... I don't think you should slap them.

Curtis

To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]

Kelly

Are you trying to say something, yeah?

Curtis

No.

Alisha

[Shaun appears from door] Who are you?

Shaun

I'm your new probation worker.

Alisha

What happened to the other one?

Shaun

Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]

Curtis

That's different.

Curtis

[In main area of recreation centre filled with art enthusiasts] Who are they?

Shaun

It's an art therapy class.

Alisha

Er, you mean they're mentals?

Shaun

D'you want to say that a bit louder? I don't think the weird-looking one at the back heard you. Look, just try and treat them with some sensitivity and respect.

Curtis

He's dead.

Kelly

I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.

Simon

That does sound like him.

Alisha

Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.

Nathan

[Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!

Curtis

What the fuck!?

Nathan

Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.

Kelly

You stupid wanker!

Nathan

Ow! Stop hitting me!

Kelly

I thought you were dead!

Nathan

[Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.

Kelly

So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??

Nathan

I appear to have shat myself.

Alisha

Were you having a wank in there?

Nathan

So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?

Simon

I was trying to save you.

Nathan

Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?

Simon

D'you want some chewing gum?

Nathan

Tutti frutti?

Simon

I like it.

Nathan

Man, that was a bad scene in there. I thought I was going to starve to death.

Curtis

You're immortal, you can't starve to death.

Nathan

You're an expert, are you?

Kelly

So, what are you going to do now?

Nathan

I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal. Catch you later? [Walks away]

Nathan

[In recreation centre locker room] So, my mum opens the door and she's like, "Argh!" I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted. Faceplants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.

Kelly

Is she all right?

Nathan

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine. Apart from the whole face. Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.

Kelly

How did you explain it to your dad?

Nathan

I told him I faked my own death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.

Shaun

[Walks in] Who are you?

Nathan

I could ask you the same thing.

Shaun

I'm the probation worker.

Nathan

Oh. [Offers handshake] Nathan. Nathan Young.

Shaun

They told me you were dead.

Nathan

Really? [Takes pulse on neck] Apparently not. Could a dead man do this? [Starts dancing and bumps into locker door] Oh! Jesus!

Shaun

Well, I'll put you back in the system.

Nathan

Hold on. What? Are you saying I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up here, no-one would've come looking for me?

Shaun

We thought you were dead. [Walks away]

Curtis

You prick.

Kelly

[Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?

Curtis

You killed her?

Simon

She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.

Alisha

What, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!

Simon

She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.

Nathan

You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]

Kelly

Don't walk away! This is on all of us!

Curtis

I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]

Nathan

[Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.

Simon

That wasn't Nathan?

Curtis

Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.

Nathan

Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.

Alisha

Who was that just now?

Simon

I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.

Curtis

You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.

Nathan

So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?

Kelly

What? No!

Nathan

Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.

Simon

We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.

Nathan

"Monkey slut".

Alisha

We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!

Nathan

What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?

Kelly

Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]

Curtis

We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.

Alisha

It's the new probation worker. It's always the probation worker.

Nathan

That dead chick was the other probation worker's fiancée. What if this new one's his brother?

Simon

He's white. Tony was black.

Nathan

Er, adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.

Simon

Lucy?

Alisha

Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]

Nathan

Hey!

Shaun

[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.

Shaun

What?

Nathan

Kelly!

Kelly

[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]

Nathan

Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]

Shaun

Bastards!

Nathan

She's got me! Get her off me!

Simon

Let go!

Shaun

[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!

Kelly

Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]

Simon

[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.

Kelly

Oh, fuck.

Curtis

We've killed him!

Nathan

Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!

Curtis

You're immortal!

Simon

I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.

Nathan

There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?

Alisha

I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]

Nathan

Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!

Curtis

Wait!

Shaun

Right. I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

Good one! Very convincing!

Curtis

[Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!

Shaun

What? What's going on?

Simon

Nothing.

Shaun

You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]

Curtis

[After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?

Simon

[Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!

Nathan

Get some cheese!

Kelly

Are you fuckin' serious?

Nathan

So, basically, he's had a blow job off your girlfriend and you haven't?

Curtis

Shut up, man. It wasn't her.

Nathan

It looked like her.

Curtis

It wasn't her!

Nathan

It had her mouth.

Curtis

It wasn't her brain!

Nathan

Who cares about her brain when your balls are resting on her chin?

Curtis

[Points hurling stick in Nathan's face] Say another word! I dare you! Do it!

Nathan

I didn't do anything! [Refers to Simon] Be angry with him!

Simon

I didn't know what was happening. She just... Then she... before I knew it, she was-

Nathan

Sucking your cock!

Curtis

You didn't know it wasn't Alisha! You should've stopped her!

Nathan

C'mon, man! Be serious! That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless! That's how girls trick you into marrying them!