Curtis Donovan quotes from Misfits

I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.

What?!

I don't think you should do that.

We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.

Curtis

And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?

They did it in The Godfather.

They put a horse's head in the bed.

Well, have you got a horse's head?

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Right. Put all this shit in that skip.

Curtis

Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?

Put all this shit in that skip, please.

Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.

I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]

Er, where are you going?

For a coffee and a Danish.

Smug bastard.

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Curtis

[Nikki leaves her flat] I just want to talk to you.

Really?! "Cause I thought you might want to break into my flat and shit in my bed.

Curtis

That wasn't me. We got the wrong flat.

You tell your little friend he owes me a new mattress. He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.

Curtis

Yeah, that's the kind of thing he does. He's not right in the head.

What?

Curtis

I know this gonna sound weird and crap, but... I feel like I know you.

You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard. We can help yourself. [Lifts her skirt up] Just pull my knickers up when you're done. I'll order a pizza.

Curtis

Are you always such a bitch?

Are you always such a weird twat? Are we done?

Curtis

Yeah. I want to know everything there is to know about you.

Like what?

Curtis

Anything.

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Curtis

I need to find Alisha. We had a big fight.

Hey, man. Love hurts, okay. It chews you up and spits you out... [looks at Simon] like a big ball of mucus.

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[To Vince] Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.

Curtis

He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts?

Nuts are his kryptonite... like in Superman!

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I just realized I haven't died this week.

It's only Thursday. There's still time.

Now why would you say something like that? Twat!

So you don't love me any more?

OK. So I loved you. Big deal.

I think we should talk about it.

Curtis

I so wanna hear this.

[To Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.

Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?

Not really, no.

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[Appears in locker room] Hey.

Curtis

Who's the new guy?

What's your name again?

It's Ollie.

Right. These are some other young offenders. He's going to be doing this Community Service thing with you lot.

Are you saying he's like a new member of the gang?

Whatever. Look, piss off and pick up some litter.

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Curtis

Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.

What do we do if he does find out?

We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.

[Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.

[Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.

All right?

What did you get done for?

I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]

Have any of you got one of these weird powers?

Curtis

What?

What powers?

I was only asking because I've got one.

Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.

What can you do?

I can teleport. (LAUGHS)

Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]

Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!

That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.

Sometimes I go further than that.

That's really impressive.

I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.

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Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!

Curtis

I don't see him.

Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.

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[All community servers are lying on rooftop]

He shot him! He shot the new guy!

We should go back for him.

Curtis

He was hit in the head! He's fucked!

[Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!

Curtis

I don't see him.

Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.

This is messed up.

[Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]

[Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!

Curtis

What was that?

He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?

He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.

He made an obscene gesture!

Curtis

I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!

You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.

Curtis

[Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.

Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.

Curtis

There's something wrong wi' you.

Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.

You're immortal.

...Better him than one of you.

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Er... You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me, and now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that? Well, fuck you very much!

Curtis

How do you wanna leave it?

Very least you could do is ask me out for a drink.

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Curtis

[Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.

He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.

Why does he think that?

Because you told him I was.

Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]

You want me to buy you a drink?

I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.

The guy with the red car and the gun...

We were just talking about him.

He's got Kelly!

Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!

GMGame man 1

Conti!

Curtis

He's here! [Game woman screams]

Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]

GMGame man 1

Where's Conti?

GMGame man 2

He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]

Curtis

He's living the game. Where did all this come from?

He was the guy in the mask.

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[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.

Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!

We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.

So, now all we need is a hundred grand.

We could a rob a bank.

Curtis

We'll need a car.

Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.

[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?

Nothing.

Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.

No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.

Go and clean my car.

I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!

Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.

Curtis

The man wants his car washed.

[Mouths] What?

He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.

Curtis

For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]

[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!

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Curtis

We've split up, all right?

[To Alisha] So you're available?

Not to you.

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[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?

Some bastard killed me last night.

Are you winding us up?

No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.

Curtis

Who was it?

I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.

Have you got any enemies?

No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?

Curtis

I can think of a few reasons.

Definitely.

Shitloads.

...You annoy people.

See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!

Don't speak to him like that.

Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?

Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]

I wish I could. I can never reach it.

Oh, that is too wrong.

Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?

Curtis

I'm not even having this conversation.

'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.

This is why people kill you.