Frank Marion Burns quotes from M*A*S*H

Radar

[at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?

Frank

[awakening] What's going on?

Hawkeye

You have returned.

Frank

"Funny thing, war - Never have so many suffered so much, so, so few could be so happy!!"

Margaret

"We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many."

Frank

"I know, darling, and I love being both of us."

Frank

Ah, well, it looks like the "conference" is in full swing.

Sidney

Hi, Frank. What's new up on The Mount?

Read any good commandments lately?

Frank

Now be advised, if you so much as touch that man you're violating regulations.

Hawkeye

Frank. We promise to keep saluting all throughout the operation.

Frank

You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man.

Hawkeye

Yeah, we thought we'd save his life for kicks.

One Shirley Temple.

Frank

I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...

Kwang Duk, sir.

Frank

That's a cute name.

We're a cute people.

Margaret

They love you, Frank.

Frank

It was their hatred that fooled me.

Frank

You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army?!

Hawkeye

Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army.

Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert.

How do you know?

Because I'm one--and he's never at the meetings!

Frank

[in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776, on their way to Lexington and Concord, had stopped to worry about . . . toilet paper?!

Hawkeye

So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.

Margaret

[Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?

The heat inspector!

Frank

You can't come in!

Hawkeye

Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!

Frank

I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.

Let us guess.

Hawkeye

Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?

Frank

No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!

Frank

The man is not normal!

Hawkeye

What's normal, Frank?

Frank

Normal is everybody doing the same thing.

What about individuality?

Frank

Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.

Major Burns doctor Surgeon

Hawkeye

Staff paranoid

The Corps of engineers is thinking of making Mash amphibious

Frank

IVe HAD ThAT IDeA FOr A LONG tIme...put everything on Pontoons and head for the High seas

Hawkeye

We CAN CALL ourselves THE titANIC

Frank

Arrest me?? What for, for heaven's sake!

You're a communist!

He's a facist!

Frank

I'm not either! I'm nothing!

We'll vouch for that.

General Steele

Men, we have a choice: we can fight or have LUNCH.

LUNCH!

General Steele

Okay, let's go.